Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead_. But Gutsy Girls Do - Kate White [84]
Try Firm, Not Feisty
If you feel uncomfortable with humor or feel the situation doesn't call for it, put the guy on notice with a firm, totally neutral comment. (“We have a good professional relationship and I want to keep it that way.”) Don't make any threats. As an old friend of mine in human resources says. “We are all defensive, and if you come on too strong, you're going to make him feel backed into a corner. The goal is to slop the behavior, not put up a barrier.”
You should avoid labeling the behavior and cast your statement primarily in terms of how you feel rather than what they did. Instead of “You made me feel like a fool when you brought out the belly dancers,” go for, “I felt uncomfortable when the belly dancers came out.” Or instead of “You always exclude me.” “I'd love to be part of the golf outing.” Not only does that sound less antagonistic, but you give them less room to declare your perceptions to be invalid or worthless. You may not know what's in their mind but you know what's in yours.
At this point, you may feel you want to take your case to your boss (assuming he isn't the harasser) or the human resources department, but for the time being use them only in an advisory role, to help you with strategy and dialogue. If you tell the problem person that the situation is already in the hands of human resources, you'll only antagonize him. If you fail to make progress with him, that's when you need to take the matter officially “upstairs.”
Include Them
Jane Walter says that women have “exclusive patterns” too. The more you invite men into your activities and share ideas with them, the more likely they are to reciprocate. And the better the chances that they'll see you as a human being, not as a bulldog.
WHAT TO DO WHEN A GUY TRIES TO BOX YOU OUT
Guys, even nice guys, are notorious for running over female co-workers in meetings. You try to make a comment and your male colleague repeatedly interrupts you. Or worse, you present an idea, no one seems to hear it, and then your male colleague presents it ten minutes later to the raves of your boss.
You need to take a gutsy stand when this happens. But you also should realize that the guy may not be totally to blame. Good girls often sit in meetings as if wearing a sign that says, “Go ahead, walk all over me.”
First and Foremost, Never Present Your Million-Dollar Ideas at Group Brainstorming Meetings
It's too easy for people to forget where they came from. You should present them in writing to your boss or in person with written back-up, so there's always a paper trail. If your boss prefers that big ideas are presented in meetings, always introduce yours with fanfare. (“Bob, I'd like to present an idea that will allow us to cut our research costs in half.”)
Don't Whisper
In certain instances, people act as if they didn't hear your idea because they didn't. One woman executive told me that when she saw a videotape of herself at a meeting, she realized she brought up ideas in a tiny voice—and suddenly it was no surprise to her why she hadn't been heard.
Lean In
There's some fascinating research that shows that men tend to lean toward the center of a group's communication process far more than women do. In addition, women tend to lean away from the center. The study also revealed that the more involved an individual is in terms of body lean, the less likely he or she is to lose their speaking turn due to interruption. Because women are less likely to be involved, they're more likely to be interrupted.
If You Do Get Boxed Out, Don't Make the Problem Worse by Beating a Retreat
Often, when men try to exclude us from events or interrupt or dismiss our remarks, we respond by pulling back, sinking into our seat, or withdrawing into the woodwork. Or we go the other way, acting shrill, desperate to get a word in.
Instead, get calmly back into control. One trick I've found helpful for meetings in