Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [100]
Botox it up, baby. Shoot your whole goddam body full of that freeze-dried frozen goat sperm.
Steroids-I want the steroid testing to stop. Immediately. The Mitchell Report, the FBI's Roger Clemens Investigation, the Federal Court Trial Of One Barry Bleeping Bonds-end it all and end it now.
I want the biggest baddest baseball players and football maniacs and biking teams this planet has ever seen.
We've had the wrong attitude going on since day one with this stuff. You wanna prosecute athletes for using performance-enhancing drugs? Hey-how about you?
Viagra, Ropinirole, Botox, Advil, NyQuil DayQuil Budweiser Pot Cocaine Emergen-C Xanax Prozac-you name it, someone in this country is taking it right now to improve their sex life, semen count, leg strength, nasal condition, anger management, bowel movements, piss volume or tit size. And you wanna bust a guy for taking some human growth hormone laced with extra ball juice before he rides in the third leg of the Tour de France? Hey-you want me to ride a bike through the French countryside for half a month I'm gonna need a shitload of drugs-HGH and an extra couple bags of testosterone being the least of it. I couldn't ride from one end of Manhattan to the other on a bike without a backpack full of coffee, two bottles of morphine and a crystal meth dealer riding in a rescue car alongside.
I don't wanna hear any arguments about how many more home runs Mickey Mantle or Babe Ruth would have hit if they had used steroids-they were both drunks. Ruth on steroids? He would've gone through 2 three livers and most of the hot dogs in the Western Hemisphere before his heart exploded while he was fucking an elephant in the Bronx Zoo on the night of his twenty-seventh birthday. Mantle had 536 home runs when he retired at age thirty-seven. If he had been able to shoot the juice? He would have hit 538. Before he was old enough to vote. Then his head would have blown apart. Ever seen pictures of the guy with his shirt off at that age? Steroids would have turned him into a walking time bomb.
I want all Americans on steroids-starting now. The athletes the assholes the fat fucks-everyone.
I wanna see baseballs hit 800 feet.
I wanna see footballs tossed 100 yards.
I want heavyweight boxers who weigh 400 pounds and can punch their way through brick fucking buildings.
You don't think the Chinese are already creating a race of giants to eventually dominate the Olympics and from there the world? What-you think Yao Ming is just some crazy freak of nature? No way-Yao Ming is the warning shot fired across the hull. We live in the greatest country in the world with access to the biggest and the best and the brightest-but we ain't gonna be number one for long if we don't start putting the pedal to the medal.
Once we get the biggest athletes possible-we monitor the carnage and violence and bone-crunching power they are capable of-and how long before their heart valves turn to cheese-and then we start creating a crew of supersized police and soldiers-meat-eating, man-beating machines we unleash on the rest of the universe.
Meanwhile, the fat people we've been feeding steroids to on the side have now become the fattest animals alive-hippopotami with human hands who wear an old Aerosmith T-shirt on each foot as a sock-we top them off with a couple tons of Twinkies before stuffing them into a specially rigged air force bomber and then-we fly over enemy territory and just drop them out of the sky-it's what I like to call my Fat Fucks Crush Skinny Evil Pricks Program.
I want Ritalin-rattled geeks galore stuck in video game centers all over the country so addled for action that they can't stop inventing new ways to blow shit up at the lightning-fast press of multiplastic buttons.
I want stun guns jam-chocked with Botox we all get for free so that whenever a politician tries to sell us a long line of bullshit we can semi-assassinate him or her-freezing them