Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [101]
If models and actresses insist on continuing not to eat-I'm taking the Twinkies away from the Fat Fucks during the prebombing raid flight overseas and replacing them with a steady parade of posers.
Who's hungry for Kate Moss?
I want a new state added to America-The State Of Denial. We clear a bunch of land somewhere out in the middle-Oklahoma or Nebraska or Idaho-and we fill it with cigarettes and alcohol and heroin and cocaine and every other drug imaginable. You move there you get to smoke, snort, swallow, suck and otherwise involve any substance you like into your system. You can drive drunk you can drive high you can do whatever the fuck you want within state borders. You die? Good riddance. You don't die-that's okay too. 'Cause the profit from every dime bag and dollop you buy there goes right into the coffers to pay for medical assistance for the rest of us.
And the governor from The Great State Of Denial will be none other than deposed senator Larry Craig, infamous for the press conference he organized to announce "I am not gay and I never have been gay."
Here's a future clue, Larry: if you have to hold a press conference to announce you don't like having sex with other men? It's too little too late. You might as well take the time to announce just what type of place, guy and cock it is that makes you horny. Although we have a pretty good idea the place is a Minneapolis airport men's room and the guy is whoever might be sitting in the next stall over. And trotting out your postmenopausal, middle-aged wife was not a particularly good idea either. She looked like she was two knitting needles and one honest confession away from donning a handmade midlife lesbian sweater.
Bobby Brown is moving into downtown Denial City, by the way. He says Whitney Houston turned him on to hard drugs.
Uh-huh.
And David Guest made Liza Minnelli into a heavy drinker. 2
No more hypocrites and high-toned hype.
And here's another thing-you decide to climb up a snowy mountain on a personal "quest" to achieve some asinine physical goal and you get stuck in a blizzard? We ain't comin' to get you no more. No helicopters no search parties no news coverage no cell phone contact. You climb up, you climb down. Otherwise-see ya. It's called thinning the herd. We invented houses and cars and cable TV so you could stay warm and move around and WATCH bad weather on TV. You decide to go out in that weather? Yer on yer own.
Two guys in California decide to tandem skydive out of a plane using a single chute that doesn't support their weight? I don't call that a tragedy. I call it a test-two less morons to avoid on my way to work.
And I'm sick of hearing about my carbon footprint from Al Goddam Gore. He's gonna lecture me about how many pounds of tree pulp it takes to make the paper box they pack my Filet 'O Fish in?
I don't think so, Al.
How many South African gold miners had to fork their foraged nuggets over to illegal ganglords to make the Oscar, the Emmy and the Nobel Peace Prize Al has hanging on the mantel in his dining room where he must be eating at least four or five organic, free-range chickens a day, based on the size of his current carbon ASSprint. The seats in his house must be made of lead.
I don't wanna hear another word from Rush Limbaugh unless he's gonna explain how to successfully combine illegal Viagra prescriptions, heavy antidepressants and a successful round of golf into the very same afternoon. If he has any news about playing eighteen holes with a hard-on, a big smile and the same Titleist you started with-gimme a ring.
The only Hasselhoff I ever wanna see again is The Drunk Hasselhoff. I'm all for safe driving and a long, healthy life and he does have children to set an example for, but if he's not gonna break out on a bourbon and blow bender once or twice a year and end up on digital video eating a cheeseburger off the floor-what good is he? I don't wanna Hassle The Hoff-but,