Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [104]
We screamed and argued and laughed and argued and resented and guffawed and ate and elbowed and pointed and screamed and shrieked and smirked and bellowed and busted balls and it dawned on me just how functional this dysfunctional family actually was-we sit in a diner screaming at each other and laughing about how we have spent decades trying to off one another and then my cell phone rang and I fumbled it out of my pocket and answered with a loud hello-it was my mom calling from the head table asking us to keep the cadology down.
Okay Ma, I said.
Driving home that day I knew I was living in a different world.
Soon a series of calls from what I now refer to as Mobile Mom began to ensue.
She would call to update me on Uncle Angus's hip cancer.
Uncle Sean's bladder cancer.
Eileen found a lump in her breast.
Kiernan has a strange mole on his face.
Several more calls in the next few days about Bridget's Bizarre Blood Clot and Galen's Rotten Gums and Uncle Donal's Deep Chest Cough That Just Won't Disappear made the issue dawn on me:
My mom's new cell phone had become The Official Cancer Hotline.
It was as if the surgeon general had personally asked her to inform her progeny of all medical updates-immediately. Keep them updated and warn them of the dangers.
And every conversation ended with the same admonition: Denis, I'm not gonna say this again-quit that smoking.
Which, of course, she would say again-the very next time she called.
Which might be fifteen minutes later.
So I thought asking my mom a few questions that pertain to subjects in this book would be a nice, neat wrap-up. I prepared a list of six or so things-Politics, The Pope, Raising Children, Coming To America-I wanted to get her final take on and end the book with a little (hopefully) synchronicity. God knows I'd have no problem getting her on the phone-wherever she might be, that goddam phone was sure to be with her.
This is exactly what happened:
[the phone rings three times-as it is answered, the background is full of loud, ear-throttling noise]
Hello.
Ma?
Johnny?
It's Denis.
Oh-hello Denis.
Ma-what is all that noise?
Hang on hang on.
[the phone is placed on a table or something that causes a loud clattering sound-then a moment or so later the noise in the background is lowered and I hear footsteps until I hear more loud clattering]
Is that better, Denis?
Yeah. What was that?
We're just watching Dr. Phil.
What?
Dr. Phil is on.
What's he talking about?
He's talking about Mother's Day and all that crap.
How often do you watch Dr. Phil? 2
Oh-three or four times a week I suppose. Uncle Denis and Aunt Nell are here from Ireland.
I heard. You guys like Dr. Phil?
He's alright I suppose. His wife gets on my nerves.
His wife?
She's on the show too. Although God knows why. She just sits there like a showpiece just staring up at him. She's a doctor too I think. Who isn't a doctor these days. You know that.
Do you think Dr. Phil makes a difference?
He does I suppose. He's got some idjits [Irish for idiot] on there now-the wife had gained a lot of weight and she's ripping into the husband because he doesn't pay attention to her anymore and now he does like three things at once and never talks to her and Dr. Phil is speechifying about their kids and Dr. Phil's wife is just sitting there. Who knows with all these crazy parents. Neil said you looked up cadology on some computer or something?
Yeah, I did. I found out what it meant but I cannot find a definition of the word "blighyarding" anywhere, Ma. I've looked it up online I've looked in my Irish-English dictionary I've gone through my Gaelic dictionary-can't find it. I had to make up the spelling I think.
Oh Jesus-I don't even know how to spell it. [yelling off the phone] Denis and Nell-what does blighyarding mean? [some