Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [105]
Who's yelling now there?
The fat wife is yelling at the husband-Dr. Phil is trying to get them all to shut up.
Ma-I had some questions here I wanted to ask for the end of my book.
Yes.
Did you regret ever coming to America?
No no-I mean, we were brokenhearted when we first came because we had just left home and been on a boat for God knows how long and we come into New York off of a farm and New York was so huge and it was just a big shock to our systems but Denis-we had no choice and we went to work and we raised our kids and this country allowed us to do whatever we could do and we could go to the church we chose and there were no people telling us what to do and you couldn't go home because it was too expensive to fly on a plane then and we were happy and we were able to put our kids through school and get a house and we voted and Jack Kennedy and guys like him who were only the same age as this Obama but they had tons and tons of experience in the war and everything and these people ran the country and as long as you were hardworking everything was available to you and your father always had a good job and he was able to make good money for an honest day's work and you kids got a great education and everything worked out great.
So you would do it the same way all over again.
No way-I'd never leave Ireland now, not with all the money and the jobs they have over there now. No-I wouldn't dream of leaving Ireland now. The only reason to leave Ireland now would be the weather. The husband is being given a good talking to by Dr. Phil now.
So Denis, once your children are successful and good citizens-then that's it. You are so lucky that your Ann was such a good mother to raise those two kids and now you'll send them off and you'll find out whether they're going to make their way or not-that's the thing, Denis-you've done all you can do and once you drop them off on those college steps that's it-when Daddy and I dropped you off on that stoop in downtown Boston I was in the car blubbering and he said Nora it will either make him or break him and that's it. That father of that Lindsay Lohan-he was a drunk so what did he expect his daughter to turn out to be? These crazy parents-half the parents are crazy people who shouldn't be parents at all. The damage is done and then you have to do something else to fix it. Anyways, Denis-I need a picture of you for Uncle Denis and Aunt Nell to give to Denis Cronin down in New York when they come down to see you-but you need to write your name on it for them and Jim and Pat Malone saw a woman in the hospital and she said she only smiles when she watches you on Rescue Me so-I told this to you when I called you before.
When?
When I called you about the tumor in Angus Grady's neck.
Right right-I forgot.
Well I'm telling it to you again now-this woman she needs to have you sign a picture but not just a picture of your face she needs a picture where you are dressed up like on Rescue Me, okay?
Okay Ma.
Okay sweetheart, we have to get back to Dr. Phil now. Thanks for calling. Quit smoking, Denis. I love you.
CLICK.
I can't think of a better ending.
My mom sitting with my Uncle Denis and my Aunt Nell watching Dr. Phil try to calm down an angry, overweight wife as she yells at her disappointed and attention-deficit-disordered husband.
Somewhere on a wall in that room hang pictures of us in America and Ireland as babies and kids and teenagers and adults.
Alongside photos of John F. Kennedy, Jesus and my dad.
Our Irish Trinity.
Nuff said.
THE END.
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Table of Contents
DOCTOR'S NOTE
SPECIAL THANKS
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER 1 - Why Everyone Hates Us
CHAPTER 2 - You're Kids Are NOT Cute
CHAPTER 3 - Please Drug Your Children
CHAPTER 4 - I