Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [2]
Because I'm sick of it all.
I'm sick of low self-esteem and fake fat-suit-wearing female talk-show hosts and extreme makeovers and Cats The Musical and cats in general and steroid-laden home-run hitters and Paris Hilton and Grey's Anatomy and Reese Witherspoon movies and Paris Hilton's himbo boyfriends and celebrity rehab and Dr. Phil and Terrell Owens and almost anyone else you can think of.
This country-including you and most of the people related to you by birth or marriage or both-is populated by beings who have been so blessed for so long that they have become almost completely immune to any interests other than their own.
Open ass-insert head.
THAT is the mantra with which most of America lives each and every day.
THAT'S what should be printed on the plaque beneath our beloved Statue of Liberty. Along with the following:
Welcome to America where I'M not fat, I'M not stupid, I'M not the problem-YOU are.
Americans have been so isolated geographically, financially and psychologically for so long that we don't even see reality in the mirror anymore. Everyone has bought so far into their own bullshit-backed up by other jerk-offs and human jack-o'-lanterns on TV-that the truth has been distorted into a believable fantasy world: I can't be overweight, look at the tub-a-lard sitting next to me. The food I eat can't be bad for me 'cause the commercial on TV says it's actually healthy. I'm not addicted to these doctor-prescribed drugs, the drug company discovered a disease that I have and then invented these pills to cure me.
Responsibility, research and actual factual thinking have gone out the window. If most people in this country see something on TV it must be true/news/necessary/important. Therefore, when things go wrong-how can the innocent citizen/TV watcher be at fault?
I spill a vat-sized "cup" of morning coffee onto my giant cellulite-dimpled thighs at the take-out window and suffer third-degree burns because it was hot and I desperately needed to wash down the two-ton doughnut I just manhandled into my gaping mouth-do I blame myself and go on a diet and start working out?
No.
I sue McDonald's because the take-out window kid who handed me the cup of joe-who's from Bumfuck, Mexico, and has been in this country all of eighteen weeks and only knows the English words "can I take your order, please," "would you like fries with that" and "go Yankees"-didn't warn me that the coffee was the same temperature as the air in the hut he grew up in was every single day of his childhood.
Open ass-insert head with flame-red tongue.
My kid is the size of an out-of-shape NFL offensive lineman, has what within two months might become a full-blown Fu Manchu mustache and is already smoking two packs a day and watching Internet porn even though SHE is only twelve years old.
Do I put her on a diet and make her start working out?
Fuck no.
I sue McDonald's because they make shitty, hormone-and-chemical-filled food that she eats every single day three TIMES a day because I'm very very busy living my selfish extended adolescent life and don't have time to:a. Cook her normal food.b. Monitor her free time.c. Stop smoking pot and drinking so her easiest sources of alcohol and marijuana dry up.
Open ass-insert thick, self-medicated head.
An out-of-shape and overweight guy in Denver, Colorado, claims he developed lung cancer because he ate microwave popcorn with artificial butter flavoring. He loved when he would pull the bag out of the microwave and tear open the top and it would go "WHOOF" and he would stick his face in and inhale the aroma. You can just hear him sucking in the sweet sweet smell of all that great fake butter, can't you? Just like Homer Simpson: Ooooh-buttery fake butter. After whiffing up the cloud of chemicals, this moron on a mission would proceed to scarf down the entire bag and then-that's right-start the whole process all over