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By Root 959 0

urchin I come across in airports and restaurants and just when I'm walking down the street-kids who are throwing snit fits in public as their disinterested or seemingly powerless parents stand off to the side and let the rest of us listen to the whining-I just once wanna grab them HARD by the flesh on their twiggy upper arms, that soft flesh that really really hurts-and I mean grab them bruise-inducing, five-finger-indentation-left-behind hard-and whisper Clint Eastwood-style right in their dirty little ear: Listen up and listen fast, punk, 'cause I'm only sayin' this one goddam time: yer gonna shut the fuck up right now and start doing what yer dumbass mom and dad say from here on in or a special van is gonna pull up one day and just pluck you right off the goddam street and drop your ass on a plane to Iraq where you will be dropped out of the sky with nuthin' but a parachute and a bag of white rice-no cash, no toys, no more SpongeBob SquareAss-ya follow?

I'd like to see how far their overinflated self-esteem plummets after that. Hopefully? Like a big rock in a backyard kiddie pool.

CHAPTER 7 - Famous Dead Kids

Parents need to take back the control. Now. Half-assed moms and self-centered fathers should stop blaming everyone else and head back into the house. I'm not talking about two-income families where existing without both parents holding down jobs is an impossibility. I'm talking about houses where both parents had kids because it was almost a fashion accessory and then once the kids arrived, it became a constant battle over who changed how many diapers and whose turn is it to get up with the baby. Here's the bottom line: kids want their moms-almost all the time. You feel tired and unable to do anything else because the kids are a full-time job? Welcome to reality, asshole.

From caveman times to calendar date 2009-someone has to feed them and someone has to go get the food to feed them with. That's it. We-as fat loud lazy Americans-wanna watch our TV shows and drive our new cars and play golf and watch Internet porn and e-mail our girlfriends and text our BFFs and blah blah blah but BIRDS are still building nests and digging up worms and flying them back to the nest and dropping them into the mouths of the baby birds.

THAT'S HOW FAR WE HAVE EVOLVED-not even two inches.

You only get one chance to raise your children right and it's been said a million zillion trillion times but they grow up in less than a heartbeat and all the damage is done. We all get up in arms when another secretly planted webcam captures another Dominican or other illegal immigrant nanny suddenly up and slapping an innocent American baby but-quite frankly-what the fuck else did you expect? You want an underpaid stranger you've met maybe twice who barely speaks broken English to have never mind love but even an iota of empathy or a caring bone in her hand for a kid you don't have the time or desire to take care of yourself? They don't have nannies in the deepest dark areas of Africa-they have aunts and uncles and actual neighbors-the same thing I had growing up. That's what families and friends are for. Your dog is more likely to take care of your kid than a Third World worker in an entry-level position is. But in America we expect everyone to do the dirty work we find ourselves to be so far above-including wiping the fat asses of our own fat kids.

Kids have become a stepping-stone-especially daughters. The trash cans of Hollywood are lined with the litter of ex-teenage stars whose mothers wanted their own failed dreams to be fulfilled by pimping out their progeny. Lindsay Lohan's well-documented fall into drugs and drunk driving have proven one thing and one thing only to her party-hopping, publicity-mad mom: time for her and the other daughter Ali to get their own reality show! Dad just got out of jail so he has no say in the matter! Britney Spears melts down for over fifteen months on international TV and in wall-to-wall, seemingly moment-by-moment magazine coverage and what does her mom do? Write a book about being a great parent!