Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [50]
What would you guess-honestly speaking-the girls of the Kardashian family have in store for them? The oldest one has spread her legs and fondled her breasts in Playboy and one of them has gone down on and banged a rapper on a sex video that SHE HERSELF made available for sale and now their cosmetically enhanced biological mom and their ex-javelin throwing stepdad-who apparently went to the same plastic surgeon who fucked up Kenny Rogers's face-have the older girls and two sweet 1 young innocent little ones tramping around in a reality show called Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
On one episode, mom and the three oldest girls agree to do a beachside photo shoot for a bikini line being sold by Girls Gone Wild impresario Joe Francis-who calls to make the offer from a jail where he is serving time for giving alcohol to underage girls and getting them to expose themselves and perform sex acts on each other while he videotaped them. Mom sells the girls on the bikini shoot by saying Joe Francis is guaranteeing the ad will be on a giant billboard on the Sunset Strip in the very city where the Kardashian family lives! Yay!
Here's another headline-the mother has a stripper pole in her bedroom and lets the girls practice their moves on it! Double yay!
I mean-this is so insane in terms of parents without brains, borders or any INKLING of common sense that all I can say is it's a dead certain lock the daughters will eventually never talk to their asshole mother again after a certain point-either because they simply have come to realize the entire planet finds them to be a joke or because they finally impaled mom and Bruce against a master bedroom wall with one of his old Olympic javelins.
It's five girls total so I'm gonna go out on a limb and offer up this fantasy Mix 'n' Match questionnaire-pretend it's eight years from now and try to peg the drug they will ultimately become addicted to and the occupation they are qualified to perform with the Kardashian daughter's name:
The annals of kids unleashed into the monster Hollywood machine who came out clean and still working on the adult side has two names on its list: Jodie Foster and Ron Howard. Case closed.
You wanna argue about it? Two words: Dana Plato. Two more words: Brad Renfro.
River Phoenix, Judy Garland, Mason Reese, Gary Coleman-I could go on forever.
Drew Barrymore.
I know she's clean now. But think about it-you only know her to be okay over maybe the last couple years or so, correct?
Right. Well guess what?
She just turned thirty-three.
Which means she's been high or coming down from a high or seeking another form of a high most of the time since right after E.T. came out.
Which was in 1982.
And she probably STILL doesn't talk to her mother.
Jennifer Aniston-as far as we know-fine. But still-as far as we know-doesn't talk to her mother.
Brooke Shields. Fine. A mother in her own right. But spent a big chunk of her lifetime not talking to her mother.
Enough with the girls? Danny Bonaduce.
Attempted suicide while shooting a reality show called Breaking Bonaduce . He would've actually killed himself until he came to realize the ratings would probably spike through the roof.
More boys? The OTHER black kid from the Gary Coleman sitcom. See? Don't even really know his name, do you? Gary Coleman's older brother? Come on. Think.
He was Willis. As in What You Talkin' 'Bout, Willis. Think for another second. His real name?
Ready?
Todd Bridges.
In Todd's IMDb biography, one section about the beginning of his career reads:
"It all began one day while watching Redd Foxx display his comic genius on the hit sitcom Sanford and