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Which is when his mother should have said "No problem, sweetie pie-once you turn forty-goddam-seven! Now turn that shit off and go do your homework!"

Instead she took him out of school and started carting him around to commercial auditions and his dad became his agent and they both became his pimps and blah blubbedy blah blah big hit show magazine covers Tiger Beat "omigod we love you!" groupies early promiscuity pot booze blow smack no hit show hates himself and his parents "omigod you look like shit! Look, it's that guy who used to be on that show!" shoplifting guntoting crackwhacking armed assault drink drive rehab.

Want some more boys?

The entire male side of the Culkin clan.

Macaulay and Rory and their failed actor dad/manager/pimp/money-whore Kit.

Kit ran Macaulay's career into the ground in the brief span of three and a half years-from the breakthrough hit Home Alone in 1990 to the box-office triple flip-flop of Richie Rich, The Pagemaster and The Good Son, which all came out and died one after the other during 1993 and 1994.

His father had fought and won numerous battles over his kid's fees, his own fees and "creative control" over the films themselves. If ya wanna real glimpse into this guy's ego Google his website-it's got a giant list of his acting credits and his books and blah bitcheddyass blah.

After his career sputtered out Macaulay Culkin took legal action in order to be officially separated from his parents and was declared an emancipated minor. The nonfamous kids in the family-needing food and shelter, of course, and with no money to call their own-didn't.

Ya gettin' my drift here?

If I had taken my parents to court and asked for a legal separation from them and won? I'd have had to ask the judge to put me and my money in jail for as long as my parents remained alive because my father would have kicked my ass up and down the streets of Main South Worcester, Mass., shouting "I'll emancipate your skinny minor ass right now!"

In the case of Hannah Montana, whose real name is-let's face it, Hannah Montana at this point-we have a kid hellbound for a five-star career crash PLUS they have discovered that Hannah Montana backpacks made in China with pictures of Hannah painted on the back have lead paint in them and so if kids ingest the paint-they can die. First off-if kids are licking their Hannah Montana backpacks-let 'em go. Give 'em up. It's like a test run for future morons. Secondly-is there any way we can get Hannah to lick a few?

Lindsay Lohan's mom should not be repimping a second daughter while cell phone pix of her first daughter blowing some coke-addled ex-boyfriend are still circulating on the Internet. Lindsay's response? She doesn't remember. Which is evidence enough to signify why-whatever substances she was under the influence of at the time of the bj-she went into rehab. Could this happen to anyone's daughter? Sure. But unless she's famous the pictures don't get to travel all the way around the world. Lindsay's mom should be locked up WITH the dad, who now claims the reality show about second daughter/cokehead-in-waiting Ali was HIS idea and Mom even stole the title from HIM. Plus-HE was supposed to co-star. Come to think of it-let's make this a pay-per-view event-Lindsay's Ma vs. Lindsay's Pa in an alcohol and ego-fueled full-on cage match. Call it "Whose Fault Is It, Really?" And let the two vapid, empty, chemically enthralled siblings take the money and run.

Every other kid actor whose name you can think of and almost all of the ones whose names are escaping you can be qualified by one of three words: dead, addicted or well on their way to both. Okay-so it was nine words. Shoot me. Better yet-shoot their parents.

I've met a few of these people-Bonaduce seems like a nice guy and has a terrific sense of humor but he went through a real rough patch-for thirty-five fucking years. That's what fame does to a kid. He was paid to be the wiseass on The Partridge Family and the entire world was laughing with