Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [52]
The ball and cock part happen to every teenaged boy but imagine what it's like when you're not making money for your parents anymore.
Everyone loves the kid who looks to be eleven but acts as if he or she is twenty-eight years old. Yay-Dakota Fanning! She's oh so cute and sooo precocious!
Yeah-okay. Reserve the rehab spot right now. Book her next nine movies AND a three-month stay at Promises in Malibu during the exact same phone call. She's eleven and a half but can drink like she's thirty. Delete her mom's number from her cell phone. Better yet-delete her mom.
Here's the right answer when your child points at the TV and says "I wanna do that!":
NO.
N - O.
CAPITAL FUCKING N. CAPITAL FUCKING O.
Forget what you want or what you didn't get to do or how much money you can manufacture or all your best-laid plans or your dreams of stardom or wanting your kid to like you.
No no no no no.
Embrace the power of no in all its iterations:
No Nada Nein Nyet Fuck no Shit no No fucking way Not now Not ever Never ever What did I just motherfucking say? Not as long as I live Not over my dead body Not even if hell freezes over.
These are the acceptable answers.
Here is a small sampling of the questions that get an automatic, loud, fast, no negotiation involved no:
Can I be on TV?
Can I get a tattoo?
Can I get my hair cut like Lindsay Lohan?
Can I get pierced ears?
Can I watch The Sopranos?
Can I have a sweet sixteen party like they have on MTV when I grow up?
Can I be home-schooled?
That's right-DO NOT HOME SCHOOL YOUR KID!
I don't wanna hear your justifications but I'm sure they include many or all of these unique reasons: my kid is special / my kid doesn't get along with all the other kids / my kid is smarter blah blubbedy blip.
Your kid needs to be in a building full of other kids so that your kid can figure out how to socialize and play and get beaten up by bullies.
Staying home with mommy full-time is like living in a bubble where there is no crime no tension no sex no fear no trouble no pressure.
Not being on TV or the movies means being a real kid.
Being a real kid means long stretches of homework interspersed with trying to avoid the mean kids or become one of them.
Your job is to drop your kid off into the belly of the beast every morning and then pick them up and take them home and fill 'em up with food and some advice before starting the whole process all over again the very next day.
No home-schooling, no protective bubble, no red carpet.
Will your kid hate you? Yup. And here's a little headline for you: your kids are SUPPOSED to hate you. YOUR KID IS YOUR KID-NOT YOUR GODDAM BEST FRIEND.
Believe me-they may hate your fat ass now but they will thank you immensely later on.
Seven million kids have been thrown into the star-making machine and how many made it out?
Two.
Jodie Foster and Ron Howard.
Once known as the twelve-year-old hooker from Taxi Driver and fucking Opie.
Now known as two bright and shiny Oscar winners.
That's it. Everyone else died or got arrested or sits in jail or found Jesus or is smoking a big fat bowl of crack while you are reading this and STILL vowing revenge on their filthy, money-grubbing parents.
They don't talk to their moms anymore because they blame their mothers for not protecting them. For not making them stay in the nest.
If a bird mom lets a baby bird leave the nest before it's old enough, it crashes to the ground and gets eaten by:
a. A cat.
b. A snake.
c. One of the Culkin kids who skipped the court case bullshit, emancipated himself and now just lives in the woods on his own.
Have you noticed a dearth of sparrows in and around Manhattan ever since Macaulay divorced his dad?
Coincidence? Me thinks not.
CHAPTER 8 - Nuts, Tits, Booze and My Mom
Bird moms keep the babies in the nest until their biological clocks tell them it's time to kick them out and let them fly away and start their