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That's what Dr. Full should be saying on his show-instead of trying to sneak Britney Spears out of the nuthouse and onto his cheap studio sofa in order to spike his ratings. Where did parents who play with a full deck of cards disappear to?

I called my mom just now-literally, I hung up the phone and started typing the words you are currently reading-because I have some expertise in the area of kids and showbiz. My career began when I was eleven. A nun grabbed me in the hallway at school and told me to show up that night at an audition for the high school musical-there were twelve grades in my school-St. Peter's. So I went home and asked my mom and walked back that night and did a little singing and dancing and some acting as well and the nun said thank you and I headed home. I got the part and it sparked an interest in being onstage or in front of the camera that never went away.

I called my mom to ask if there was ever any discussion about me going into showbiz at that point-real showbiz-and giving up school etcetera etcetera. This is what my mom said:

Hello.

Ma?

Denis?

Hey.

How are you?

Good. Listen, Ma Sheila Turbody has bad cancer of the face-it spread all down her neck and into her throat and into her brain.

What?

The doctors say she should never have been spending all that time out in the sun without a hat or sunscreen or anything at all plus she was smoking and Ma-who is Sheila Turbody?

You know who Sheila Turbody is. She lived around the corner all her kids got straight A's? Remember?

Oh. Those kids-yeah. Nobody liked them.

Listen, Brian-you had better stop that smoking and wear some sunscreen and It's Denis, Ma.

Don't change the subject.

Ma-listen. When I was doing that first play I did-Mame-when I was like eleven or whatever I was-was there ever any talk-did I come and ask you guys maybe about leaving school and trying to make it as a kid in showbiz or any-

Good God no, Denis-are you crazy? You were good but you weren't THAT good. We were happy to have you in the show and we went to see them and all but then it was right back to school. Show business. Where did you get that idea?

I was just wondering if I ever asked you if I could leave school and become Oh no no no-we would never've put up with that kinda-no one around here knew anything about that. Why?

I'm just writing this section of my book and What book?

I'm writing a book about You better watch out what you put in that book.

Okay-I gotta go.

(warning-type tone) Denis.

(mocking her warning-type tone) Ma.

What kind of book?

It's funny.

Are they paying you for it?

Yes.

What happened to the TV shows and the movies?

I'm still doing those, I'm just None of us thought you'd be doing all this kinda stuff-we didn't know what was going to happen to you. All the cadology and the blighyarding-the vicious blighyarding you would get up to.

Ma-what does blighyarding mean?

You know exactly what it means.

Well-if it is what I think it is-they pay me to do it now.

Well-that's what's great about this country. What's the name of the book?

Never mind.

(with great gravity) Denis.

(mocking her gravity) Ma.

Don't put me in that book.

I gotta go.

Did you go to Mass this week?

No.

You know it's Ash Wednesday?

Really? I just thought people suddenly decided to start putting cigarettes out on their foreheads.

That's not funny.

Yes it is.

Don't you put that in your book.

Okay-I won't. See you on Easter, Ma.

Okay. Thanks for calling, honey. I love you and I'm so proud of you, honey.

CLICK.

(Note-Blighyarding [my spelling]. This one I looked up everywhere once again-INCLUDING World Wide Goddam Words. I could have Googled Galaxy Wide Words and Infinity Wide Words. It absolutely does not exist outside of my mom, my Aunt Bridie and my Aunt Margaret. So my mom and only the two sisters who followed her here to America somehow came up with a term that-as far as I can tell-refers to causing trouble. So we can assume that blighyarding means cursing, pretending to eat horrible overboiled food when in fact you are feeding it to the