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By Root 978 0

dog under the table-because even my mom's cats wouldn't eat the stuff-and other minor crimes committed inside or around the house. Vicious blighyarding would seem to mean egging other people's houses and windshields [especially in the winter when the eggs would splatter and freeze], breaking streetlights with rocks, stealing priests' wallets, drinking the holy wine, five-finger discounting booze and baseball cards and making fun of the Mass DURING Mass and ridiculing the nuns and priests behind their backs. In general-just being a wiseass and a troublemaker. I guess I should be proud of the fact that my brother Johnny, my cousins Jerry and Noreen and the New York cousins Terrence and Denis were so off the charts that they had to invent a word to describe our behavior. Anyways-back to why I didn't end up overdosing on heroin when I was fifteen years old.)

I didn't go from a high school production of the musical Mame right out to Hollywood to become a giant kid star because of two key words: my parents. I didn't overdose on blow or smack or a combination of both before I was old enough to vote because my stupid mom wouldn't let me.

I was allowed to go hang out with older kids and a nun every night after school for several months and sing and dance and ogle. That's right-I said ogle.

Let me explain:

1. When I walked into the hallway outside the room where the audition was-even though I was only eleven-I remember a bevy of beautiful girls-high school girls (translation: they had tits)-who were NOT dressed in their school uniforms but in tight jeans and tops. Man.

2. When I was auditioning-once inside the room-I looked up to realize all eyes were on me. And when I say all eyes-I should say all female eyes-since the room was jampacked full of the girls from the hallway. All staring at moi. And moi liked it. Girls girls girls. Lips hair hips asses ankles nipples-you name it.

Long story short I got the part of Patrick Dennis-Auntie Mame's nephew-and got my first laugh ever onstage on opening night when I made my entrance and said my line (which wasn't supposed to be funny) and the audience went crazy. When I came offstage, the nun grabbed me and said "No wonder! Zip up your fly!" And something clicked in my head. Every night after that-right before I made my entrance-I made sure to unzip my fly. I got one big laugh when I walked out and another big laugh when I pretended to realize and nervously zipped it up.

What I remember about rehearsals for that play was watching all the high school boys being COMMANDED by the nun to grab the girls by the ass and hold them up in the air-grab the girls around the waist and hold them tight-grab the girls grab the girls. These guys were not only allowed to touch these girls all over their bodies-it was completely and totally allowed. PLUS backstage when there were furious costume changes going on, every once in awhile you'd get to see a girl slip right out of one dress and then climb into another-which meant UNDERWEAR! VAGINA OUTLINES IN PANTIES! GLIMPSES OF TITS! NIPPLE SLIPS! I made many mental notes about all of these things and shared them with all my guy friends-by the time we hit high school every guy I knew was volunteering to be in the fall musical the spring musical and every single fashion and/or dance show in between. It was a perfectly legal chance for an ass grab or a tit rub or a combination of both. Not to mention the occasional free-floating chick undressing and redressing right there in front of you.

When I was doing Mame all kindsa high school girls paid attention to me-they hugged me, kissed me, tweaked my cheek, laughed at my jokes-I was surrounded by girls with big tits, small tits, round asses, tight asses-blue eyes, brown eyes-you name it. I even ended up going to the senior prom that year because one of the girls had a boyfriend who was over in Vietnam and she took me instead of another guy. I went to a couple of parties after the prom and got an eyeful of guys french kissing and feeling girls up-funny how I can still remember that almost minute by minute, tongue