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You disagree?

Then you gotta be a chick.

Open vagina-insert head.

I told you this book was gonna tick you off. Let's face it-the raw truth hurts.

Like this fact: I don't know a living man on this planet who DOESN'T have attention deficit disorder or spends at least twelve hours of each day thinking about his penis.

I didn't know the guy personally but I would bet my left ball that even Jesus thought a lot about his johnson. Hey-he could probably make his do special tricks. If I was the Son Of God, special dick tricks would probably be the second or third thing I'd be spending my time on after I found out about my secret identity.

That's a lie.

Who am I kidding? It'd be the first.

Here's another lively topic:

It says somewhere in the piece of paper that this great country of ours was founded upon that all men are created equal.

Bullshit.

All men are created equal as long as they don't wanna blow each other.

And then decide to keep on blowing each other long enough to fall in love.

And then suddenly express a desire to formalize that relationship by getting married.

It's apparently okay to have sex with other guys as long as you keep it secret and have a wife who somehow doesn't know AND you are either the pastor of a church or a sitting senator or both. In Larry Craig's case the term "sitting senator" will more than likely get a laugh out of you-as will the term "wide stance."

Yup-there is a real fear in America that gay marriage will somehow upend heterosexual unions and throw the entire moral fabric of the country into a tailspin-no pun intended.

I know several gay men and gay women involved in very committed and honest relationships with other gay men and gay women that would put a lot of straight married couples to shame. They are monogamous and caring and devoted and affectionate.

Besides-why shouldn't they get married? Why should straight married couples be the only ones who never have sex, argue incessantly over what to watch on TV and walk around on a daily basis harboring a deep and bottomless well of resentment and anger pieced together brick by murderous brick over years and years of both real and imagined slights and emotional warfare and wallpaper choices? Shit-I say marry every gay and willing couple off right now. Mark my words-just like the rest of us-within eighteen months at least half of them will come running back to court begging to be released from such an endlessly mind- and libido-numbing fate.

Open ass-insert the Bill of Rights.

Here's another inarguable factoid:

Racial and ethnic stereotypes exist because they are TRUE. For instance-don't tell me the Irish don't love to drink. I AM Irish. We invented whiskey, for crissakes. You know what whiskey means in Gaelic? Water of life.

I rest my case.

Of whiskey.

On YOUR politically correct goddam lap.

Years ago I wrote a piece for the New York Post about the St. Patrick's Day Parade in which I made fun of the fact that most of the Irish and a few Puerto Rican guys I knew would annually-which means every single fucking year-spend the unofficially holy day painting their faces green and getting drunk and then beating the living shit out of each other after an argument broke out over who had better pitching, the Yankees or the Mets.

The Irish Defamation Society threatened to file a lawsuit against me for perpetrating an awful and ruinous myth about Irish Americans.

Several weeks went by and no lawsuit emerged. Why?

Because they soon realized that all I had to do was call up any local news channel and request footage from ANY St. Patrick's Day Parade held since the invention of the television camera and there in front of our eyes would be green-faced Irish Americans in a drunken punch-up with their own cousins and best friends and actual brothers-many times right in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral. The Puerto Ricans and the New York Mets didn't enter the equation until they both started playing baseball during the 1960s.