Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [4]
It's absolutely commonsense fact: girls like to dance and boys like to hit. That's why girls become cheerleaders and boys become football players.
Girls play mommy and boys pretend to kill each other. Girls like pretty clothes and boys like fire trucks.
For women, their list of hot men includes a dad who waits at the corner bus stop with his toddler son and places him on the bus with a kiss atop the head and waves goodbye as the bus drives away. This man could be thirty pounds overweight and wearing a goofy hat. Women will still find him sexy.
For men-a mom doing the same thing-placing her toddler on the bus with a loving kiss and a wave-would be just as hot and sexy. As long as she was built like Giselle Bundchen and wearing a leopard-print thong.
I know it's awful. I know it's incredibly simple and stupid and sad.
But it's true.
As a matter of fact-you could skip the kid and the bus and just have Thong Mom walk down to the corner and stand there-same difference for straight men.
A recent online poll by Woman's Day magazine came up with these results:
When asked which they would rather have-Jennifer Aniston's body or a million dollars-78 percent of the women chose the money.
If you had asked men-78 percent would have chosen Jennifer Aniston's body-as long as they could press it right up against their own.
As a matter of fact-if they had asked men-they would have found that most men WITH a million dollars would gladly give it up for the CHANCE to touch Jennifer Aniston's body. Or just to see her naked.
Maybe that's the difference between men and women.
One of them, anyway. Here's another:
Ninety-four percent of the people in this country who visit, pay and place heavy stock in psychics and what they have to say are women. The other 6 percent? Gay men.
Women go to psychics to find out what the future might hold for them in terms of true love, their children, former lives they may have lived, where their dead father/boyfriend/best friend might be.
Straight men? If psychics are capable of seeing into the future-why the fuck can't they give us the score to next year's Super Bowl.
That's it for men. Very cut and dried, very black and white. We'll discuss that and many other issues between men and women between these covers.
By the way-bipolar? Bullshit. Every single woman I have ever known has been bipolar for SOME part of her life-one week here, nine months there, ever since her mother stopped calling-something. When I was a kid, bipolar meant either the twin axis ends of the earth or maybe a bear who swung both ways. Now it's an excuse for every other girl whose hormones are conducting a human body remake of Raging Bull.
They didn't have bipolar when I was growing up. If they did-my mom would've been called TRIpolar. She could smack one kid with a wooden spoon, ask a second kid if she was retarded and give a third kid a sweet little kiss on the head-all within four and a half seconds. And ya know what? Each one of us almost always deserved what we had coming.
And that's another thing I don't wanna hear ever again-dysfunctional families. That one is officially off-limits. Done. Retired forever. Has anyone ever heard of a FUNCTIONAL family? Who? When? Where? The Jacksons? Nope. The Osmonds? I don't think so. You wanna know what a functional family is? One where no one ends up killing everyone else. You can't have four or five or fifteen people