Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [59]
Most women discard the nicknames their boyfriend/fiance/husbands have in favor of-you know the drill-not even the shortened version of the guy's real name. A guy the guys all call Steve is called Steven by his chick. Bobby becomes Robert. Max is always Maximillian. Formal. Serious. Unfun.
It's the same avoid-reality-at-all-costs crap you notice in women's basketball. Listen-in men's sports the coaches are predominantly guys whose faces reflect the game they played. Football coaches have broken noses and bad knees and the ones who don't are short or fat or both. Baseball managers are generally speaking bowlegged and beer-bellied. Hockey coaches have scars all over their faces and fake teeth. Basketball coaches are goofy-looking lanky-assed giants who are almost always wearing ill-fitting suits. And when you watch a game on TV many of the male announcers will mention just exactly what the coach looks like or the coach's nickname or how badly said suit looks. Phil Jackson looks like he failed the audition for a Frankenstein movie because he looked TOO freaky. Bill Belichick looks and dresses like he's two dollars away from being homeless. And every male announcer-and quite a few female broadcasters-remark upon this during every basketball and football season.
Ever hear anyone on broadcast TV mention the paucity of attractive female coaches in all of girls basketball?
Nope.
Any nicknames or mention of oversized skirts or makeup that seems to have been applied with a six-inch brush?
Nope.
Most of the women who coach women's basketball teams look like dykes. As do many of the players. Don't like to hear that fact? It's true. Just ask a man who has no interest in sleeping with you. The LPGA is the other sport chock full of lesbian lookers-it should be called the Lesbian Professional Golf Association. Even the MEN'S golf tour-minus Tiger Woods and maybe seven other guys-is jam-packed with men who look like lesbians. Let's be honest, Phil Mickelson is ten more pounds and two man-tits away from being mistaken for one.
Look-I have no problem with lesbians owning any and all collegiate and professional female sports-it just yanks my chain when we all continue this unspoken agreement not to mention it. We carry on this bullshit approach and pretend they are all so feminine and pretty and dainty and guess what-most of them absolutely ain't. Which is fine. I'll pay them the ultimate compliment-I play hockey and I'm glad I don't have to play against most of these girls because I think they would kick my ass. Hey-there's fighting in hockey.
I take the same approach to female athletes as I do with guys-and I play with and against some girls on the ice from time to time-everyone is expected to do their job. Otherwise-get off the fucking ice. I would do the same with famous female athletes if I was an announcer. For years I have claimed that the reason Randy Johnson-one of the world's ugliest human beings and one of baseball's most dominating pitchers-has had such an overpowering ability to strike out the other side is not necessarily his fastball-it's his face. I think once he comes out of his wind-up and turns the full frontal toward the plate, batter after batter has to avert his gaze. THAT'S how ugly this guy is. He looks like Big Bird from Sesame Street would if he got hit with a frying pan coated with cooking grease. For years now John Daly has arrived at golf courses around the world looking like a beached whale just back from a four-day bender in the Vodka Tonic Sea. Hair askew, armfat dangling, shirt barely big enough to tuck into the too-tight pants. All I'm asking is the freedom to say the same thing