Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [60]
The bottom line is that one day there will be a professional football team which will have a defensive line dominated by four giant gay men-due to genetics, performance-enhancing drugs, workout regimens and the increasing openness of our society, it's only a matter of time-and once those guys start winning, the moniker The Four Fags will either become a nickname amongst themselves and their teammates or the way opposing coaches respectfully refer to them during pregame war plans or both. It's the way men are. It's the way men compete. It would just be nice if women did the same thing. Call a crazy point guard from the UCLA Women's basketball team The Witch From The West. Nickname the feisty left wing from the girls USA Olympic Ice Hockey Team a bitch on wheels. Tits Akimbo (can't tell which direction she's going), Vadge On Fire (unbelievably fast), Look Away Lindsay (ugly as sin)-these are nicknames just waiting to be applied.
Flat-chested women go out and get balloon-size fake tits. Guys go to the gym. Fat girls subject themselves to years and years of endless dieting before finally throwing in the towel and getting liposuction. Fat guys go to the gym. Gals with huge noses gaze at themselves in mirrors and shop windows and any other available reflective public surface until finally getting the honker hacked off and replaced by one of a suitable size. Guys just grow a mustache. The chinstrap beard was invented by a husky guy trying to reduce the size of his neckfat. We hate to go to the doctor. We go to the barber instead. Big ears? Leave a little more on the sides. Women often accuse men of not telling the truth or being emotionally dishonest. Meanwhile, the odds are the woman you have just met is not the woman you will see in the bedroom. Once she removes her padded bra and compressive-waisted panty hose and false eyelashes and fake nails, you might be looking at someone other than who you were attracted to. If guys get fat, we just buy bigger pants.
Women have some insane system of numbers when it comes to sizing clothes-6, 8, 4, 2 etc. And even then they seem to have no idea what size they really are-size 10s are constantly trying to suck themselves into size 8s and size 4s are always doing insane acrobatics and extreme yoga positions in changing rooms across the country in vain attempts to fit into size 2s.
Guys know our sizes. We have small, medium, large and extra large. Except of course when it comes to our cocks. Then we are all size large. Which reminds me-why is it whenever plus-size chicks are in denial about their weight, they always claim that their tits got bigger? That's the equivalent of a fat guy claiming that all the fat from the burgers he's been scarfing went right into his penis-which would really be a lie because for any guy the first sign you weigh too much is almost always the same: you wake up one morning and cannot see your penis.
By the way-someone-usually a chick-has to tell a guy he's fat/ugly/ smelly. Even though his guy friends may have nicknamed him Slim/ Handsome/B.O., he still thinks he's attractive to SOME chick SOME where. Guys don't look at any aspect of themselves as a detriment. No arms? Play soccer. No legs? Wheelchair basketball. No sane chick will have sex with me? They got available hookers on Craig's List. Click on a couple buttons and they come right over. Is this what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the Internet?
CHAPTER 11 - Matt Dillon is a Giant Fag
Men have an innate ability to cut to the goddam chase. There is no let's pretend Johnny is good-looking even though he's got acne scars and one eye facing in the wrong direction. He's called Fugly (short for fucking ugly) or Wall Eye (Wally for short). We don't have the time or inclination to bullshit our way around the reality of life-we put the cards right on the table. It's why guys never know who the good-looking guy in their gang is until they start hanging around with girls and witness which guys the girls go