Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [7]
Because it was cheaper.
Open ass-insert Oval Office.
It's time to tear down the walls of the stupid and the inane and the politically correct and the righteous and the pretentious and the bald and tell them how much they suck and how fat they are and how everything in the Bible is NOT necessarily true and no your hair will never grow back and yes you look much older without it and no-women really don't find bald guys attractive unless you're Mark Messier or a multizillionaire or both.
It's time to shave your back and pay attention to your kids and buy a bigger-size dress and stop wearing spandex until you lose a hundred pounds.
Skinny jeans are meant for skinny people. In case you don't understand the term "skinny"-if your ass doesn't fit into a seat at the ballpark or hockey rink or football stadium-yer fat. Too fat for skinny jeans.
What would Jesus say? What I just said. Only louder.
And his hands and feet would be bleeding so he'd probably be in a very pissy mood.
So listen up.
I'm trying to help you here.
It won't be pretty. But it will be goddam funny.
Strap yourself in.
It's gonna be a bumpy-assed, roller-coaster-on-fire type of ride.
No helmets allowed.
CHAPTER 1 - Why Everyone Hates Us
Us being America. This is just a partial posting. Many of these subjects will be discussed in much further detail as the book moves along.
But I wanted to give you a starter kit. A little menu tasting of the who, what and why when it comes to the rest of the world and the things about us that burn their proverbial balls.
A lot of them are things and people and events that many of us-like our fellow humans in the world-don't get or support or even have the slightest interest in. But for some reason they fill up our magazines and televisions and radio waves until they are chock full to spilling over with incredible pulsing chunks of unbelievably stupefying activity. And like a train wreck or multicar collision or Mickey Rourke's most recent face-we just can't turn our eyes away.
ANNA NICOLE SMITH
It's never pretty when you die in a pool of your own puke.
But when you're a mom and you die in a pool of your own puke AND you have a newborn baby-ya can't really blame postpartum depression.
Brooke Shields may have done many strange things after the birth of each of her kids, but lying facedown in her own vomit and trying to swim upstream was not one of them.
In Anna Nicole's case there were obviously several different wiring problems gone wrong. She may set the first public example for Babies Who Are Better Off With Their Birthmoms Absolutely Erased.
Anna Nicole may also be the ultimate example of what happens when white trash gets money. And she serves up a great argument against taking strippers out of the strip club. Listen, go ahead and watch them wiggle, watch them giggle and jiggle and strut their stuff-give them each all the singles and wolf-whistles you want but please-we beg of you-please do not bring the dancers home. It's like taking King Kong off the jungle island and dropping him into the middle of midtown Manhattan-nothing good can come of it.
Let's face a few facts about Anna. Pick any angle.
Her fabulously idiotic persona that-ingeniously-seems to have been created out of her actual penchant for pure moronitude built on a foundation of her own absolute genetic idiocy.
Her "I'm, like, really really really in love with him" marriage to a 109-year-old multizillionaire businessman that involved more than likely only one partial erection and then several years of undone hateful relatives and continuous litigation.
Her giving birth to one child while a second fully grown child already scarred by his exposure to his mother and a worldwide