Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [8]
And when it came to drugs, Mom set a goddam house record. In the fridge of her Indian-owned hotel mini-bar they found several powerhouse forms, in amounts large enough to mollify a small horse. These were the various drugs found in her system at the time of her death: Ativan (an anti-anxiety pill); Klonopin (an anti-seizure medication); Robaxin (a muscle relaxant); Soma (another muscle relaxant-I guess she was bigger than we thought); Topamax (another anti-seizure medicine-maybe she was so worried about the first anti-seizure stuff she took, she was afraid the fretting might cause a seizure in itself, so she superseded that seizure-mania with a backup plan); Benadryl (to ward off any sniffles); HGH (wow); Nicorette ('cause God forbid you smoke around the baby); Tamiflu (is it possible to feel a little achy with all of this other stuff in your system?); methadone (just in case the Tamiflu doesn't work); and Noctec (another sleeping medication-hey, you try lugging those two tits around all day); vitamin B-12 (just in case she gets a little sluggish while she's sleeping); Tylenol (probably just found a white pill on the hotel room carpet and swallowed it out of habit); and that good old standby-Valium.
Wow. That's what she took the day that she died.
Happy Mother's Day, mom.
And, perhaps my favorite-narcotic lollipops. Which are used for kids who have cancer.
Narcotic lollipops-these alone give the Islamic world a sudden urge to strap on bombs.
Great name for a band, by the way. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome-Narcotic Lollipop.
Where did the narcotic lollipop come from?
Good old-fashioned American ingenuity folks.
You know kids-they hate medicine. So when they are really terribly horribly sick and absolutely need to take heavy-metal medicine-some genius doctor devised a way to put the dose inside a piece of candy glued to the top of a stick. The kids lick their little hearts out and fall into a pain-free, blissful, semi-coma state.
Wish they'd had these things when my kids were small. I woulda stuck those suckers in their mouths every single waking moment-which woulda been only about fifteen minutes a day, by the way. They would have spent most of their lives in dreamy McDreamland.
As did Anna Nicole, apparently.
Yup. She out-Elvised Elvis.
Elvis may have ingested drugs in myriad forms-mostly pills-and eaten his way through most of the peanut butter, bacon and bananas available on this green globe during his lifetime, but he never ever EVER took goofed-up candy from a cancer-stricken baby.
Would he have-if they had been invented sometime during his four decades on the earth? You can bet yer ass. The King woulda been the Kojak of the rock 'n' roll universe. But, alas, he died too soon. On the toilet. Which is literally only a couple of steps above where Anna Nicole ended up.
And then there are the men in her life, or as I like to refer to them-The Scumbags On Parade.
In no particular order:
(Ah, what the hell-let's put them in order of their proximity to the dead, bloated but always bronzed-with-skin-bronzer body):
Her scumbag lawyer, who the real Howard Stern should be currently taking to court for defamation of character by name association. This guy apparently had no other clients, lived in adjacent hotel rooms whenever Anna Nicole was in a hotel or upstairs in a guest bedroom at whatever abode she may have been renting or owned and his legal advice consisted of making deals for semi-glorified Girls Gone Wild videos featuring only one giant Orcatype girl-namely, Anna Nicole. As well as drunken, drugged and reeling casino appearances. And drunken, drugged and reeling public appearances. Last time I checked, that doesn't make you a practicing lawyer. But it does put you right at the top of the Celebrity Pimping