Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [9]
Her pretty boy ex-boyfriend who also claims to be the father of the child and is an actor slash model slash-what, exactly? Whore? Parasite? Yeah. Put those two words on your resume, pal.
And then there's the creme de la creme of the douchebag brigade-Zsa Zsa Gabor's twenty-seventh husband, who-while Zsa Zsa spends each day in a catatonic state being wheeled around her Bel Air mansion-was out carousing with Anna Nicole and who knows who else, which may just be his personal business except he made it public knowledge that they met for sexual trysts in hotels all over the country. Now-I don't know exactly how much Zsa Zsa is worth, but it's obviously not enough to keep this male version of Anna Nicole away from the media or the pile of money Anna Nicole's wheelchair-bound spouse left behind.
These are just three more elements of the low-rent high-lush life Anna lived that were left behind. At least Marilyn had Some Like It Hot and The Misfits and The Seven Year Itch.
What's Anna Nicole's legacy?
Her gaining seven thousand pounds while bingeing her way out of the death of her aforementioned lover/human ATM card and then taking an over-the-counter form of methamphetamine and losing all seven thousand pounds and then some and serving as a spokesperson/swimsuit model for this legalized speed.
PLUS the rumor that the eventually victorious dad Larry Birkhead (insert your own joke about his name here) and the evil Howard Stern guy were apparently videotaped going down on each other in a fabulous and hopefully very very funny 69 session-a rumor I have actually prayed to God is true. If there is a God I'm sure he has helped Larry and Howie to spend some of that dead lover cash-cow cash in exchange for the original copy of said video. THAT would be-at the very least-a tiny little sliver of sweet karma pie delivered almost immediately after the judge handed the kid they hope grows into another cash cow over into their greedy and supposedly gay grubby hands.
Anna Nicole and her two lover/liar/blow job buddies are a walking talking eating breathing advertisement for why America makes everyone else in the world angry.
By the way-we could replace this profile of Anna Nicole with so many other people-from Paris Hilton to Terrell Owens to Britney Spears and any guy she has married or even had sex with.
Not to mention-if we ever get to pick the initial hostages/innocent victims taken during a future American soil invasion, men who had sex with either Paris, Anna Nicole or Britney should be first up. And hand jobs definitely count.
GEORGE BUSH JR.
That's right.
Junior.
Fuck this Herbert Walker blah blah blah bullshit.
Looks like a junior talks like a junior walks like a junior.
Junior.
Junior brain junior brawn junior bullshit.
His father fought as an actual jet fighter pilot during World War Two and after a real live fight to the death in the sky crash-landed off the edge of a navy airship into the Atlantic Ocean and crawled up the side of the ship to safety.
Junior dressed up like a jet fighter pilot and pretended to land a plane on the deck of a navy airship and then changed into a suit and announced the victorious end of a war that then went horribly wrong and lasted LONGER than the war his father fought in.
Junior.
Nuff said.
BRITNEY SPEARS'S VAGINA
Whether you've seen it or not.
Whether it was actually her very own God-given pooch or just a Photo-shop configuration or not.
You know what I'm referring to.
That fact-along with the idea that so many millions of us either overheard a watercooler discussion of her muff or were actually the instigators of a "Britney's pussy" confab-is immediate grounds for foreign antagonism.
And it's not just an anti-pop star snatch hunt here.
The idea that in a civilized, free society there are supposedly grown men actually getting paid to find untethered and free-ranging celebrity hair pies, photograph them and then sell them to magazines apparently watering at the mouth for hot naked Hollywood gash can only mean one thing-well, maybe two things: there either is no