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One show she was happy. The next show? Sad.

The show after that she was five different emotions in between those two before being both of those two-sometimes at almost the exact same time.

I was fascinated. Jay Leno is always Jay Leno. Jon Stewart is always Jon Stewart. The guys on SportsCenter might make a dumb pun here and there but they always just give me the scores.

Watching Oprah was like staring into a human mood ring-each day a glint of light from some unseen source shifted her emotional core.

Before I started writing this book I would have guessed that my take on Oprah would have been skewed toward the negative and that-like anyone else twisting a comic turn-I would be focusing on her flaws and foibles. But you know what I came to realize? It's impossible.

Whatever flaws she has, SHE has already found them.

Her weight loss, her weight gain, her impatience, her pretense, her most recent weight loss, her upcoming weight gain, her face her hair her legs her obsession with clothes? Done.

Holier Than Thou Oprah, Down And Dirty Oprah, Black Oprah, White Oprah, Mad Oprah, Sad Oprah, Oprah Outside Hermиs, Oprah With Obama, Oprah In A Snit, Skinny Oprah, Acting Oprah, I Was Molested As A Young Girl And Could Have Become A Stripper But Instead I Became Oprah Oprah, Mochiatta Oprah, The Color Purple Oprah, The Oprah Makes Up With David Letterman Oprah, Plump O, Chubby O, O In Size 10 Calvin Klein Jeans, O In A Cashmere Fluffy-Necked Puff Sweater-Oprah On A Couch, Oprah In A Slouch-Oprah Yelling Oprah Laughing Oprah Scowling Oprah Braying Oprah Giving Away Free Cars To Everyone-she has already praised, prodded and taken the piss out of all those Oprahs as she makes her journey forward.

And the new flaws she comes to discover about her always-evolving self? SHE lays out on the table for all the world to see, watch, talk about and touch.

Listen-don't sit there searching for my hidden, ironic tone. There isn't one.

I am way way, way way, Way Into Oprah.

She can do no wrong.

Let me explain:

First off, every single woman you or I know has a place to go to listen to other women talk about what women like to talk about which is pretty much almost any subject you can raise outside of professional sports, removing back hair and inexpensive but sturdy hammers.

Meanwhile-I'm sure Oprah could find a way to touch on even those manly subjects.

Did you see Michael Jordan on Oprah?

Genius.

So here we go:

I just Googled Oprah and Oprah.com came up.

I sped through space to Oprah.com and typed "back hair" into the search engine and guess what I got? Information on unwanted hair and how to remove it and where to go to get it done. Specifically mentioned? Hair on the back. On MEN'S backs.

I did the same with "hammers." I got Oprahed over to Oprah's DIY site, where the toolbox she suggests you keep at home includes a hammer section that-after much testing and research-prefers that you buy an OXO Good Grips 16-ounce rip-claw hammer for $12.98.

Oh. My. God.

Or should I say Oh My Oprah.

Wait. I gotta Google something else.

Hockey sticks.

What do I get?

Dr. Mehmet Oz-one of Oprah's many medical friends-talks to hockey legend Mark Messier about being a role model, how he stays fit and what kind of equipment he uses.

Mark Messier-one of hockey's all-time toughest, meanest, scariest competitors-has been on Oprah.

You cannot beat her, guys. She will Oprah-ize any subject you raise.

I am literally just going to pick random guy-type titles I know that a Million Man March Of Men Of Any Color would not only find funny to type onto an Oprah site, but at some level would have a very basic, slovenly, man interest in:

Semen count?

Ten entries, including Are Vasectomies Dangerous? and Can A Woman Be Allergic To Her Husband's Semen? (The answer is yes, by the way, and not just after a long day left alone with the kids.)

Scrotum?

You get Oprahed over to an interview with author Paul Joannides featuring his book The Guide to Getting It On.

Make my penis bigger?

Thirteen thousand two hundred