Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [72]
Make my penis smaller?
Thirteen thousand two hundred and forty-six. Including Weight Loss And Penis Length-where Oprah says if a man loses 35 pounds he may gain one inch of penis length, which in my case means that in order to gain another five inches I would eventually have to become just a cock with feet.
Now I'm just going to type in words you would never expect Oprah to say:
Tits.
Three entries.
Vagina.
Sixty-seven.
Pussy?
C'mon, man. Oprah doesn't use that word.
Here's a flurry of more practical male topics:
How to hit a baseball-1,755 entries.
How to make a woman come-18,898. (Stop laughing-it's the actual number that's listed right now.)
I'm just spitballing here, guys-flying by the seat of my pants now:
Fixing your truck-700.
Punching a guy in the face? 3,793.
It's amazing. Now I'm just gonna focus on totally silly male fantasy theses:
Big nipples? 3,509.
Nipple hair? 1,383.
Blow jobs? 2,510-including a section called How Sex Is Like Pizza. With one of her male doctor friends. Jesus.
Areola. One entry. Which is one more than ESPN.com.
Remember the potential perfumes for dogs I mentioned earlier in the book? I picked one and stuck it onto Oprah's engine.
Guess what?
Ass lint-36 entries.
I give up. I give in. I give away my subscription to ESPN The Magazine in favor of O.
It's insane.
Like most men-until this very moment-I had no idea. I didn't know about Oprah.com until I pointed out the Michael Jordan interview-I was only planning on parsing Oprah from notes I had already made, but now?
My life has changed. My Google goggles no longer bear the fog of testosterone-driven prejudice.
I can't get these answers from any existing sports channel. Scores? Yes. Scrotum health headlines? Not a chance.
Has Chris Berman ever mentioned the possibility of a broken penis during NFL Prime Time?
Has there been one single president who ever warned the male population of this country about Severe Penile Impairment?
Is there a chapter or verse in the Bible that bemoans a potential de-boning?
No, no and no.
But Oprah tackled it.
Oprah took the time to tell us how it could happen and what to do if it did. Never mind where to get the best rip-claw hammers. (Another good name for a band, by the way.)
I look at ESPN and ESPN.com now and I snicker with a newfound snickularity. Memphis beats Tennessee-so what. The Rangers qualify for the playoffs. Big deal. I wanna watch Sidney Crosby going top shelf with a twisted wrister while the goalie is fooled out of his jock strap and underneath all the action the sports ticker tocks up the really important stuff:
Your penis could break in half!
Big nipples may be more fun!
Rubber deck hammers-the best of!
Details just ahead!
I want an Oprah And Friends round-table section halfway through every episode of SportsCenter.
I want Gayle King to co-co-host Pardon the Interruption, running down a Twelve Topics In Two Minutes chunk of Man Stuff That Matters-sure LeBron James may be averaging thirty points a game but how are his testicles doing? Has he had them checked? Does he know that Dr. Oz says testicular cancer is the number one form of cancer for men between the ages of fifteen and thirty-five?
I doubt it.
I look at Oprah now and I see why she doesn't want to run for president. Why she hasn't had kids. Why she does what she does day after day after day after day:
We ARE her kids.
She is the be all and end all-the queen bee the queen mum the voice of reason and insanity and hilarity and disparity-becoming president would be a step down for her. It would only suck her power away. Would she be able to ask The Pregnant Man about his clit/penis if she were in the Oval Office? No. Could she discuss the best bras for buxom girls as she sat with visiting heads of state? No. Can she hold