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And a towel that is colored Testicale is a towel that is pink with a slightly brownish tint and a little bit of peachy peach fuzz along the edges.

And the reason I bring this up is because there is no such thing as a pink towel anymore. Or a brown towel. Nope. Some gay man somewhere-and I'm personally blaming Calvin Klein, married though he may be-decided that women were way more likely to buy way more towels if said towels were in fact saddled with fancy-sounding color names. Thus-instead of pink towels-we now have Salmon. Or Fuchsia. Or Blush.

See? That's why I chose Testicale. Because the real Spanish word for ball is testiculo. Which just sounds too much like testicle, which reminds you of a scrotum and does not make you wanna buy a bunch of towels.

Whereas Testicale sounds like some kind of smooth, fancy-tasting tequila, which you could sip over ice as you lounged in a soothing hot bath with Cooling Cucumber Bubbles and a Hydrating Skin Mask of Yoga Tea Leaves nestled atop your face.

I bet I could get a shitload of ladies to buy Testicale towels.

Guys? Not so much.

We couldn't care less what color a towel is.

We don't even care if it's clean.

As long as it wipes the water off our back, head and ass and sops up all the nooks and crannies in between and we can slap on our slacks and get something to eat-we're happy.

But even if pressed into having to pick, the Guy Pie Color Chart For Towels would consist of maybe three-blue, white and red.

Maybe black.

That's it.

I would've thrown gray in there too but for most guys gray would just be another kind of blue.

When did white and blue and black and red become too little too late for most women?

When they got a whiff of Acorn and Heather and Persimmon and Pearl.

I don't even know what colors those are supposed to be-I just saw them listed in a bed-and-bath store catalog I stole out of my wife's office.

Get a load of these:

Moss.

Forest.

Celery.

Guess what color? Green, goddammit. Green. Moss? What the hell. I don't even know a GUY named Moss. Why not go with Mold? Or Yeast? Is yeast green? I dunno. All I know about yeast is that women get infections that are named after it AND I think they might use it to make beer.

More catalog colors:

Mushroom.

Ecru.

Taupe.

Khaki.

Got a guess? Tan. Fucking tan. Which is really light brown but let's not get into that-let's just accept that light brown is tan. Then-years ago-they came up with beige and burnt sienna.

I remember because I was a kid and they added beige and burnt sienna to the Crayola crayons box, so let's accept that tan is tan and beige is lighter tan and burnt sienna is probably some kind of tan that the Indians came up with but is that enough to base a towel selection on? I guess the fuck not because now we have four more bullshit choices, which we will now unbullshit our way through:

Mushroom. Mushrooms are for cheeseburgers, pasta sauces, soup and getting high enough to think that the Grateful Dead were actually a good band when in fact they were just a bunch of spaced-out, balding junkies with two songs they managed to spread out over four hours as a scam to sell tie-dyed T-shirts.

Ecru? Sounds like a cough. (Don't forget-I'm a doctor.)

Khaki? Pants. That's it. Just pants. I don't want a towel named after a pair of pants I wouldn't buy or wear anyways. Christ. Let's make all pant names into colors. How about Cargo. Are those off-white pants, Penis Man? Nope-they're Ski. Hey Lefty-are those pants black or navy blue? The proper name for the color is Tuxedo, asshole.

And Taupe? I looked up "taupe" in a dictionary and here's what it says: "A moderate to dark brownish gray slightly tinged with purple, yellow or green." Jesus Christ. Could there be a less decisive color? Is Taupe running for President Of All Towels?

Orange becomes Tangerine or Pumpkin, red becomes Burgundy, white becomes Alabaster, purple morphs into Plum, Lilac, Aubergine and Mauve.

I knew a pissed-off lesbian from Dublin who was named Mauve and a French-Canadian hockey goon