Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [77]
The point is-why.
Why do we need these colors why is someone getting paid to create them why are women buying towels and curtains and linens and bedspreads named with them and bringing them home or even worse showing us the choices in the catalog BEFORE they buy them and asking us which one we like better-the Pewter or the Periwinkle? The Topaz or the Azule?
The Milk or the Butter the Cream or the Honey the Egg or the-I don't know if I'm still picking out bed and bath wear or ordering fucking breakfast.
Speaking of which, it's the same thing that's happened with food. My wife and I recently went out to eat on a gorgeous late-winter Saturday evening and after watching her perform an extended version of The Lace Panties And Bare Skin Display and driving twenty-five miles inside an enclosed space as the scent of her perfume arrayed itself around my lips, I had two thoughts in mind: sex sex and more sex.
Actually-that was all one continuous thought, so as we arrived at the restaurant I just wanted to chow down and speed home before tearing her clothes off and manhandling her.
Then-the ponytailed, three-earrings-in-one-earlobe, not black but I'm sure Midnight suit-sporting waiter sauntered up to the table, placed a menu gingerly into each of our hands and-I shit you not-began to recite the following special additions:
(I remember because as soon as he was done and excused himself-no doubt to re-buff his nails-I borrowed a pen from my wife and wrote all of this down.)
An Heirloom Tomato Tower Featuring Goat Cheese And A Plum Salsa Dressing.
French Tenderloin Filet With Crab Galette And Israeli Couscous Flecked By Casino Butter.
Pistachio-Encrusted Swordfish With Corn Whipped Potatoes Drizzled With An Asian Fennel Sauce.
For Dessert-Italian Apple Sorbet Sitting Above A Vanilla Wedge And Topped By Belgian Chocolate Glaze.
First things first. A tower of tomatoes is okay by me 'cause it sounds like a tomato sandwich and that seems like it would just be faster to eat, but
FEATURING goat cheese? What is this, a rock concert? And what the fuck exactly is plum salsa-an excuse not to have more tomatoes on the plate? But I digress. Because the tomato tower is normal stuff compared with the French Tenderloin Filet With Crab Galette. You know what the galette was? A crab cake.
It's just a chunk of steak with a crab cake on top, and I've been to Israel-I worked there for a summer once-and I never heard the words "Israeli couscous" in English OR Hebrew and what the fuck is Casino Butter-pads of butter with paper on either side that you stole from the Caesars Palace All You Can Eat Buffet? And let me ask you this-Corn Whipped Potatoes-did you actually whip the potatoes WITH a cob of corn or did you just save me the trouble of having to mix the corn into the potatoes right here on my own plate? I appreciate your deshelling the pistachios for me in advance, by the way, but I don't want them encrusted around my goddam fish. I don't like anything encrusted. Reminds me of that stuff you have in your eyes after you wake up from a deep sleep. Especially when you have the flu. Flu-Encrusted Cod anybody? And drizzled? Let's cut to the goddam chase on that one-poured. Okay? You poured some shit over some other shit. Drizzle means it's raining outside but it's not really raining. And I'm Irish so I'm kind of an expert on this one-anything "drizzled" or poured or splattered or plopped on top of potatoes is gravy-I don't give a good goddam if it's from Asia or the South Bronx-it's G-R-A-V-Y-and you better have a shitload of it. And as far as dessert goes-you ain't fooling me. It's an apple on top of a cookie with hot fudge. Fuck Belgium AND the Italians.
My wife loved it. I closed the menu and let her order for me. It all gets so confusing and long and descriptive