Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [81]
That's it.
We don't sit around talking about you.
We don't sit around talking about food.
We don't break out acoustic guitars and sing "Viva Viagra" in four-part harmony.
Here's what I have to say about change-we don't do it. We are as God made us. What you see is what you get. You CAN judge a book by its cover-it's called "Big, Hungry, Horny, Simple Guys."
You know that best-selling tome called Eat, Pray, Love? It's a memoir written by a thirty-something American chick who gets divorced and travels in well-fed splendor to three different countries to heal her broken heart and oh so damaged self-esteem and in the process find her true inner is-ness and being.
The guy version of that book would be called Eat, Fuck, Sleep. And it could be written by any red-blooded American male. In it he would eat, fuck and sleep. And in between those he would work his ass off and also watch documentaries on The History Channel about other men in three different countries and what kind of tools they use and wars they wage and tanks they drive and blah blah history blah until the Red Sox feed from the West Coast away game they're playing against the Angels kicked in around ten p.m. or so.
Let's make this all as scientific as we can-I've included in my study ink and paper scans of the male and female brains. Take a look:
EXHIBIT A.
The Male Brain
EXHIBIT B.
The Female Brain
In the homosexual male brain, you can replace "Great Sandwiches I Have Eaten" with "Musicals to Die For," exchange "Dicks" for "Tits" and take out "Starting Lineup of the 1967 Boston Red Sox" in favor of "Judy Garland and Her Secretly Gay Husbands."
Also-the Red Sox 1967 lineup section may be interchanged with the starting nine of whichever baseball team may have made the biggest impact on your boyfriend or husband's life during childhood.
These simple diagrams explain many things. For instance-when you sidle up softly and nestle down next to your man and ask that always-upsetting-for-guys question-"honey, what are you thinking about?"-the reason he panics is very very easy to discern. Almost anytime you ask it-except during dinner, sex or sudden death overtime of a Big Important Game-this is what a guy is always thinking-ALWAYS:
SEX SEX TITS FOOTBALL TITS ASS YOUR ASS YOUR TITS HOCKEY BASEBALL PASTRAMI SEX BASEBALL SEX ROAST BEEF NEW SOCKS BLOW JOB MICKEY MANTLE BRETT FAVRE TITS ASS BLOW JOB I WONDER HOW FAR I COULD THROW A FOOTBALL RIGHT NOW NO WARM UP JUST HAUL OFF AND SLING THE GODDAM THING SEX PROBABLY LIKE 40 YARDS CINDY CRAWFORD'S ASS KATE MOSS WITH A RUNNING START I COULD PROBABLY THROW IT LIKE 55 YARDS PIZZA PIZZA WITH A COLD BEER I'M WHAT? MAYBE FIFTEEN FEET AWAY FROM THE WASTEBASKET, BET I COULD TOSS THIS DIET COKE CAN IN FROM HERE WITHOUT HITTING THE RIM JENNIFER ANISTON JENNIFER ANISTON CHEESEBURGER I HAVEN'T SWUNG A BASEBALL BAT IN A LONG FUCKING TIME JENNIFER ANISTON'S ASS JENNIFER ANISTON'S TITS JENNIFER GARNER'S SHOULDERS ARE TOO BIG TITS MY GIRLFRIEND'S TITS MY GIRLFRIEND'S ASS BLOW JOB SEX QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE.
That's why flop sweat sets in when you ask what's on our mind because we KNOW that almost any of these thoughts do not fit the mood you might be in or even make any practical sense. But they're true.
Our emotional makeup is made up of sports and sports memories. We don't cry-unless our favorite player is forced to retire or we're watching a movie ABOUT a sport or a favorite player who retires or any movie connected to baseball-which almost always reminds us of our dads. You may wonder why your man won't shed a tear while you collapse on his shoulder during Leonardo DiPussio's death by freezing ocean in Titanic-but stick a Field of Dreams DVD in the entertainment center and fast forward