Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [82]
Men communicate on a separate plane-almost the way dogs can hear-unless you are one of the species you cannot comprehend. Next time your guy is talking to another guy while they watch a game, listen closely. What they say has a double meaning:
GUY #1: How 'bout those Red Sox, huh? (translation: Hey, how you doin'?)
GUY #2: Yeah, goddam Ortiz, man-he's killin' the ball. (translation: I'm doin' alright.)
GUY #1: You see the game last night? (translation: How's everything with the wife?)
GUY #2: Holy shit. What a catch Ellsbury made. (translation: Everything's great.)
GUY #1: I TiVoed the game so I was skipping through the commercials and shit, I almost missed it. But then I watched it three times in a row-amazing. (translation: Me and the wife had sex so I couldn't watch the game live but I TiVoed it and watched it with the sound down after she went to sleep.)
And so on and so forth.
You will notice a big bisection of The Female Brain contains an overriding interest in children while The Male Brain seemingly contains none.
Look closer. A man's interest in children and work is contained in the giant section labeled "Sex." We go to work to get money to help attract a woman who will want to have sex with us. When we have enough sex with a certain girl for a long enough period of time, our work ethic and the resultant money goes to her to feed and clothe and shelter the kids the sex will produce. It's that simple. And if you die? We will be very, very sad for a long, long time.
Like-three weeks.
Then we will meet another girl who wants to have sex with us and the whole process starts all over again. I know-it enrages you that you could be killed in a car crash or hit by a bus or contract some fatal disease and less than a month after you are placed in the cold, cold ground-the love of your life is bonking a bottle blonde. We all know women who have buried their husbands or lovers and never managed to muster up that same amount of love for another man-sometimes spending decades on their own-a picture of her handsome husband sitting above the fireplace. I know a woman who has had a searing, endless crush on a single guy she works with for over five years now-not only does he have no interest in sleeping with her, he's actually moved in with another woman, who he is now engaged to. The chick I know? Still hoping, still waiting. Doesn't work that way for men.
You have a mega crush on a girl and you make the move and she tells you to take a hike? You move on. More than likely to a girl who kinda looks the same. We don't get picky-we just get busy.
There are countless public examples. Paul McCartney-worth about five hundred zillion dollars. The love of his life Linda dies a long, diabolical death while fighting breast cancer and less than three months later he is banging a one-legged lunatic half his age. Why? Because she offered it. He was horny and hungry and she must have given great head and grilled cheese. Plus, he's a big pothead so he probably figured the fake leg would come in handy for smuggling marijuana on international private jet-set flights.
Why would ex-Beatle Paul pick a gimpy bitch when he could more than likely have had a swarm of two-legged girls to romance and take to bed without having to worry about whether they needed a bedpan or a crutch or maybe even a walker in order to take a piss in the middle of the night? Two reasons: Heather fucked him first and Heather fucked him first.
That's it.
You have to understand the word "smitten." If a guy becomes smitten by you and your body-it's over for him. His money his mind his cock his car-he will give it all up if a girl makes him happy. Her interests become his interests-and I mean pronto.
I live on a farm full of horses. I grew up in the city and the closest