Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [97]
It's time to take the pontiff and his pontificates to task.
Throw the old commandments out the back door because I proudly present to you:
The NEW Ten Commandments.
(I just got these from Jesus and MAN is he pissed)
1. THOU SHALT NOT KILL-unless the priest is much bigger than you and somehow gets the upper hand, then hitting him with a lamp, a heavy gold chalice or even a handy statue of the Virgin Mother is totally allowed. (My suggestion? The statue of my mom will probably get the job done the quickest, plus it's got all kinds of symbolic value-once the story hits the papers.)
2. DO NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN- which I still don't like but if the priest quickly pinches your ass or makes googley eyes at you while other people are around, a loud "Jesus Christ, Father-what the hell are ya doin'?" will work wonders.
3. HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER-meaning your ACTUAL father and mother, not the sterling-silver-crucifix-toting Barbra Streisand fan following you around like a gay cat in heat or the angry lesbian who instead of acting on her sexual urges decided to don religious garb and bust the balls of young bucks like you. Those two you can tell to go fuck themselves. Also-give them this personal message from me-Jesus will see you in hell. Where there are no Melissa Etheridge records or Sex and the City DVDs.
4. THOU SHALT NOT COVET-any items any priests leave lying around. Like candy, cigarettes, roofies-believe me, these assholes will use anything they can to lure you into their nests. Ignore it all.
5. THOU SHALT NOT WORSHIP FALSE GODS BEFORE ME-I should really re-title this one. By false Gods I mean Michael Jackson. Do not go to his house or hotel room or anywhere with this guy-I don't give a shit what Macaulay Culkin says-the guy's a weirdo. That nose? Whatever happened to the old saying "I am as God made me?" I talked to my old man-He don't make noses like that. Believe me when I tell you-Michael Jackson is a priest in pop star's clothing.
6. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL-unless it's money from a priest. He leaves his wallet layin' around with a couple hun-gee hangin' out? Consider it yours. Rolex watches, antique clocks, Cuban cigars-hey, you heard about what I did with the merchants at the Temple? Same deal. Consider it all a down payment on the whole church's Big Bad Karma bill. Which I'm tabulating as we speak.
7. CHARLTON HESTON WAS ALRIGHT BY ME-this one has nothing to do with the pedophile priest thing, I just wanted to make it official-me and my dad thought Chuck was pretty swell. I mean, yer just not gonna find a better guy to play Moses-even Moses thinks so, and he originally wanted John Wayne to play the part. But Chuck pulled it off with panache. Even if they were gonna remake that picture right now-who could you get who'd be better? Matt Damon? Too wimpy. Clooney? Gimme a break. And I love DeNiro as much as the next prophet but method is the last thing you want in a biblical epic. Remember Harvey Keitel in Scorsese's Last Temptation of Me? Yikes. By the way-if Dafoe can play me-why can't Denis? Well-doesn't matter. They'll never let him do it now. P.S. SPEAKING OF CHARLTON HESTON- that whole Planet of the Apes thing? That was a message from Us. You guys don't shape up down there soon-poverty, war, Terrell Owens, etc.-we're turning the whole place over to West African Spider Monkeys. They're good with their hands and they're not easily mollified by the TV, unless Regis and Kelly are on. They love Regis.
8. THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY-this one means the same thing it always did. Don't sleep with someone if you're married to someone else. It really sucks. Take my word for it, you get caught? Me and my old man are the least of your worries.
9. THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH- what we mean by this is, payback's a bitch. We already said we love Charlton Heston,