Why We Suck_ A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid - Denis Leary [96]
CHAPTER 18 - The Pope Is a Pimp
And not just because his annual budget for Prada Pope shoes is bigger than what many of his Mexican subjects earn in a year.
Or how much money he spends on big, foofy hats and jewel-studded dresses each Easter-his tab for fancy rings alone would make The Queen Of England blush.
No-imagine this scenario:
You run an organization which is in the business of killing and stealing. When one of the guys who works for you gets caught killing and stealing-instead of going to jail or getting the death penalty-you get to send him to a new town where he can kill and steal some more.
And you keep on doing that over and over again with a ton of guys who work for you until-finally-someone in one of these victimized towns decides to stand up and say-hey, who the hell told these guys they can just come in here and kill and steal? Then-and only then-do you submit to the basic laws of humankind and agree to prosecute the guys who work for you and turn them over to the authorities.
Sound like the Mafia?
No-the Mafia would LOVE to have that business plan.
The very same business plan the Catholic Church has used for hundreds and hundreds of years.
Priests have been allowed to kill the trust and faith of young boys and steal their innocence and their souls through rampant sexual abuse and the church's reaction-and the pope is the head of the church-has been to transfer each offending father to a different parish. That way he gets to abuse a whole new set of kids and the church gets to keep all its money.
'Cause that's what it's all about, folks. Moolah.
The Original Popes-good name for a band-were allowed to marry and have sex and produce children but eventually this led to affairs and then Bastard Children-let's call them the pope-arazzi-started showing up unannounced and demanding money and land. The church-realizing what a lousy system this was-decided to declare that all future priests and popes had to remain Celibate-thereby giving them the public rank of monks and thereby allowing the church to exist in a tax-free domain.
So all the real estate and all the money the people gave to the church every time they passed the basket? Cold, hard cash baby.
Priests weren't giving up sex to prove their devotion to God. They gave it up so the church could BUY stuff: more land, more gold, mo' dresses, mo' hats. Could there be a more hat-centric organization on the planet? The priesthood is like a giant army and all the rankings are based on headwear-the bigger the hat, the more important the guy. Regular priests get none, monsignors get nice magenta caps, bishops get bonnets, cardinals each sport a holy red skypiece and the pope's biggest fish-mouth-shaped chapeau is actually called The Tiara.
Let me repeat that-The Tiara.
It's like Tim Gunn went back in time to say-Your Holiness, nothing says Look At Me! more than a shiny crown.
Once they had chosen the No Sex But Plenty Of Elaborate Outfits route, was it any wonder that men with a penchant for other men and free-flowing robes would sign up? And, of course, one thing led to another and one day some priest realized he had an attraction to little boys and-what a surprise-he happened to be in a job where he was SURROUNDED by the little fellas-WHAT A JACKPOT!
And off to the sex abuse races they went.
Until the charges started trickling in.
The Catholic Church avoided cooperating in sex abuse investigations all over the earth until they absolutely had to start coughing up the cabbage. Meanwhile, thousands and thousands of young boys and young men had their lives forever forsaken by these Pedophiles On Parade. And then-to top it all off-they deign to tell young couples on the verge of marriage what it takes to form a long-lasting union or hormone-crazed teenage girls what form of birth control they can or cannot use.
Well the jig is up, jokers.
Two billion dollars in we're-so-sorry payments later on doesn't mean dick to the ex-altar boys who sought your counsel and confirmation but ended up instead committing suicide or sitting on a sofa four times