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All the racial and ethnic slurs we can sling all seem to have only the power they get from ourselves. Mick and Donkey and Paddy really don't mean anything to me. I call my other Irish friends stupid micks. I have Jewish friends who call me a donkey. I have one Jewish friend who calls himself Kikey Kikeman-in honor of everyone who knows him considering him to be The Ultimate Jew.

I offer up an idea-let's list all the top ethnic and racial slurs-the ones most commonly used in this country-and see which "team" comes out on top. My research will consist of slurs that have been used against me and those I have overheard being used against other people either in real life or the movies and other slurs I looked up online (www.hateanyonewhoisdifferent.com). I would imagine the group with the most slurs against it would be the one most Americans hate more.

Here we go-let's get them all out in the open now-in no particular order:

Chink, mick, guinea, spick.

Redskin, wop, frog, donkey.

Wetback, polack, spaghetti-bender, coon.

Canuck dago tarbaby jewboy zipperhead spook greaseball panface, bagel junglebunny paddy greaseback, slanty-eye honky dothead jewbag, limey ruskie round-eye kike, hebe gumbah nigger yellowface shylock raisin-head paleface injun porchmonkey and gook.

Whew.

Pretty long, huh.

Kind of gets to sounding like a tone poem about halfway through. Okay-now tallying the final score, I'll break it down into what we should all find obvious.

(I am applying only to the "White" group terms like round eye, honky and paleface. "Asians" will be a listing for all references to people with yellow skin and other physical attributes most racists apply equally to the Japanese, Korean, Chinese etc. "Puerto Ricans" will represent anyone of Latin or Spanish or Cuban or South American descent because-once again-most racists in this country cannot tell them apart, unless they play baseball for the hometown team and the program specifically lists where the guy is from AND the racist fan can read-which is asking a lot.)

Greaseback is the only slur I came across that no source seemed to have an assignment for-which leads me to believe it is actually an anti-Irish thing and they were just too polite to tell me to my face.

So-if there were such a thing as Racism Playoffs-the Blacks and the Jews would finish tied for first, with Blacks winning out in my book- which you happen to be reading-because Nigger will always trump Kike, Hebe or any of the other five negative names the Jews received.

The Italians come in tied for the second spot with the Asian group, and the Irish trail by two but lead every other group-except white, which includes them-by a lot. Leaving the Puerto Ricans to feel left out one more time with only one blanket anti-Puerto Rican slur to be hurled after their long presence in this country-not to mention the Mexicans who had only "wetback" to show for all this hatred and fear supposedly surrounding them.

One could make the argument that many racists use "Spick" to refer to Mexicans as well as Puerto Ricans, but that's just gonna make both groups even more pissed off so let's just let it stand the way it is.

Based on this-I'd say the African and Jewish communities-along with the Italians, Irish and Asians-are still making the most headway in this country.

Here's to hoping that-two decades from now when perhaps another twenty million Mexicans have settled in here and begun to legally prosper, vote, work and play-racists will have at least five or six more slurs to shout at them during an altercation. Then our Mexican friends will truly feel as if they are making some progress.

Isn't that the American way?

And listen-all those people on that list, no matter how many racial and ethnic barbs they may or may not have?

Each and every one of them could be called an asshole.

Depends what they're like when you meet them.

And no matter how bad the names they call you might be-at least none of them translates into "pedophile."