Wide Sargasso Sea - Jean Rhys [56]
The door of the tapestry room is kept locked. It leads, I now, into a passage. That is where Grace stands and talks to another woman whom I have never seen. Her name is Leah. I listen but I cannot understand what they say.
So there is still the sound of whispering that I have heard all my life, but these are different voices.
When night comes, and she has had several drinks and sleeps, it is easy to take the keys. I know now where she keeps them. Then I open the door and walk into their world. It is, as I always knew, made of cardboard. I have seen it before somewhere, this cardboard world where everything is coloured brown or dark or yellow that has no light in it. As I walk along the passages I wish I could see what is behind the cardboard. They tell me I am in England but I don’t believe them. We lost our way to England. When? Where? I don’t remember, but we lost it. Was it that evening in the cabin when he found me talking to the young man who brought me my food? I put my arms round his neck and asked him to help me. He said, ‘I didn’t know what to do, sir.’ I smashed the glasses and plates against the porthole. I hoped it would break and the sea come in. A woman came and then and older man who cleared up the broken thing on the floor. He did not look at me while he was doing it. The third man said drink this and you will sleep. I drank it and I said, ‘It isn’t like it seems to be.’ – ‘I know. It never is,’ he said. And then I slept. When I woke it was a different sea. Colder. It was that night, I think, that we changed course and lost our way to England. This cardboard house where I walk at night is not England.
One morning when I woke I ached all over. Not the cold, another sort of ache. I saw that my wrist were red and swollen. Grace said, ‘I suppose you’re going to tell me that you don’t remember anything about last night.’
‘When was last night?’ I said
‘Yesterday.’
‘I don’t remember yesterday.’
‘Last night a gentleman came to see you,’ she said.
‘Which of them was that?’
Because I knew that there were strange people in the house. When I took the keys and went into the passage I heard them laughing and talking in the distance, like birds, and there were lights on the floor beneath.
Turning a corner I saw a girl coming out of her bedroom. She wore a white dress and she was humming to herself. I flattened myself against the wall for I did not wish her to see me, but she stopped and looked around. She saw nothing but shadows, I took care of that, but she didn’t walk to the head of the stairs. She ran. She met another girl and the second girl said, ‘Have you seen a ghost?’ – ‘I didn’t see anything but I thought I felt something.’ – ‘That is the ghost,’ the second one said and they went down the stairs together.
‘Which of these people came to see me, Grace Poole?’ I said.
He didn’t come. Even if I was asleep I would have known. He hasn’t come yet. She said, ‘It’s my belief that you remember much more than you pretend to remember. Why did you behave like that when I had promised you would be quiet and sensible? I’ll never try and do you a good turn again. Your brother came to see you.’
‘I have no brother.’
A long long way my mind reached back.
‘Was his name Richard?’
‘He didn’t tell me what his name was.’
‘I know him,’ I said, and jumped out of bed. ‘It’s all here, it’s all here, but I hid it from your beastly eyes as I hide everything. But where is it? Where did I hide it? The sole of my shoes? Underneath the mattress? On top of the press? In the pocket of my red dress? Where, where is this letter? It was short because I remembered that Richard did not like long letters. Dear Richard please take me