Wild Ginger - Anchee Min [36]
"No." I followed him.
"Do you know she carries a diary?"
I made no reply because I couldn't say, It's a fake diary.
"We're"—he lowered his voice—"we are in each other's lives at the moment. But I am puzzled by the way she acts."
"Are you or are you not in the diary?" I asked.
"No, I am not."
"It doesn't mean that you are not in her thoughts."
"Thank you. That's what I have been trying to tell myself."
"The diary"—I don't know why I suddenly decided to blow this—"is for show. It's going to be published nationwide and printed in textbooks."
"Then why the hell does she write it and call it a diary?"
"She is the Maoist model for the country. She has to do what's expected of a Maoist."
"This really bothers me. Maple, let me tell you something. There is a wonderful part of her character and there is also a phony part. This is what we have been fighting: she wants no other life besides promoting Maoism. Her instincts might want what a human being wants but not her head. She's trying to kill off her human self."
"Well, you must understand that it is not easy to give up one's personal life for a national cause."
"National cause? Are you sincere, Maple?"
I found my defense weak—what bothered Evergreen bothered me too.
"I am not interested in teaching the zoo dancing at all, to tell you the truth."
"Aren't you supposed to say Zhong dancing?"
"I did it on purpose. To me it is zoo dancing—every one has been forced into a barn. People have better things to do, like resting, taking care of their households, being together, cooking, reading, playing, and making—" He cut his words short and lowered his head.
"The first installment of her diary will be out in a couple of months." I brought back the subject.
"I won't read it," he said firmly, then asked, "Will you?"
"I might not enjoy it. But I will read it. I do everything she asks of me."
He turned to look at me suspiciously, then smiled. "You make me want to be a woman so I can get closer to Wild Ginger."
"I don't really feel close to her or even understand her."
"How do you mean?"
"This diary thing, for example. To publish it is to publish and legalize a big lie. It's harmful. It's dishonest. It'll damage the minds of the young. It's a false portrait of a Maoist. Not only will Wild Ginger suffer the consequences, other people will be forced to copy her—the model can do it, why can't you?"
"I shake hands with you, Maple. I shake hands with you. I really do. Thank you for answering my question ... Wild Ginger is lucky to have a friend like you."
"Not necessarily." Somehow his compliments made me feel bitter. "She is lucky for what she has. It has nothing to do with me. She and I ... I cannot achieve what she has achieved or is capable of achieving in the future. It's not that I agree with everything she does. I can't make myself be such an ardent Maoist. I'm not that driven. I am not that interested, or obsessed. I can recite a lot of quotations, though. It was a way to earn my place in the school and society. Wild Ginger is ... I can't really say that she is being dishonest. Let's put it this way: she knows what it is like to be called an anti-Maoist. I won't question her motives. She writes the diary with sincerity. The reason she won't expose parts of herself is because she really believes that her behavior was immoral, and she is determined to fight it. She believes that she can overcome it."
"Will she?"
"She lives to win."
"Will there be a chance that someone might change her mind?"
"I'm not a good person to ask."
"Have you been encouraging her to be a Maoist?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I feel ... sad, really sad. She has to give up so much to achieve her goal."
14
"Get up and attend the Zhong dancing class!" A group of neighborhood activists rang handbells throughout the lanes. "Order from the district party secretary!" "Ten o'clock, check yourself in at the marketplace!" "Show your loyalty toward Chairman Mao through your action!"
"Zoo class! Zoo class!" The children ran after the group and shouted cheerfully.
After the