Without a Word_ How a Boy's Unspoken Love Changed Everything - Jill Kelly [41]
As time went by and Hunter continued to grow and battle Krabbe disease, we became even more committed to providing every opportunity available for him to live the life God gave him. In my quest to draw near to the heart of the Father, I found myself able to surrender to Him in increasing measure. This allowed me to enjoy Hunter and life even more.
Despite the crazy, roller-coaster life we were living and the disease trying to destroy my son, there was more laughter, fun, and joy in our home than ever before. Somehow our home was filled with life—and even my dying marriage couldn’t prevent it. Maybe because I was more focused on Hunter and his life than on anything that concerned Jim and our marriage…. It was as if the love enveloping our family, in some indescribable way, allowed us to experience a peace and joy beyond our circumstances.
Don’t get me wrong—tears were shed and the fear of losing Hunter continued to haunt me, but the abundant life that poured out of my desperately sick son transformed our home, and it was good… really good.
Year Six, 2002–2003
February 7, 2002 (Children’s Hospital of Buffalo)—Lord, You knew every detail about this day before it came to be. As I sit here in the ICU and look at Hunter hooked up to all these machines, it’s undeniable—he’s beautiful. Thank You for the striking beauty and relentless strength I see in my son right now. His determination and desperation to live are honorable for such a little boy. Lord, how blessed I am that You gave him to me, to our family. Please keep him from pain. I’m terrified of losing him, and You know it. I don’t want to let him go. Do I have to? Is today the day? I believe that Your timing is perfect. Help me with my unbelief.
When I’m fearful, please help me to persevere by faith. When my faith weakens, please God, hold me up for him. He cannot see me curled up in a ball on the floor, crying (like my body and mind are screaming at me to do). My heart is urging me with a still, small voice to stand up, look into Hunter’s eyes, and tell him it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay no matter what happens today. I know this is You, Lord; You who dwell in my heart and spirit, consoling me, inspiring me, and giving me strength. Nevertheless, the constant battle between flesh and spirit is intense and demanding.
Please fill our hearts and minds with a peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank You for Hunter, his incredible life, and all that You have taught us through him. When I wrestle with why You allow Hunter to struggle so much, please remind me that You will never abandon him. He is always on Your mind, always.
Hasn’t he suffered enough? Forgive me, Father, but it rips my heart to shreds when I see him lying here so weak and fragile, struggling to breathe. Rescue him, please, Lord… thank You.
April 19, 2002—Like father, like son. HB was so engrossed in the football and hunting videos he watched today with his daddy. At first I was very apprehensive about letting him watch hunting, but Jim insisted. Go figure.
Hunter loves watching his daddy play football. Even though the videos are of past Buffalo Bills games, Jim still gets riled up and Hunter loves all the hooting and hollering. I try not to interrupt the boys whenever they hang out because Jim doesn’t stay put for very long. His constant coming and going drives me nuts. I need more patience—but as Jim would say, “But I’m not a doctor, so why do I need more patients?” Very funny. Too bad I’m not laughing.
We live under the same roof but we are worlds apart. What a shame. I don’t have the time or energy to focus on anything other than the kids, especially Hunter.
May 4, 2002 (Erin’s Seventh Birthday Party)—As usual we went overboard for Erin’s birthday. My mom bravely strolled Hunter outside, where kids were running around everywhere. Thankfully, Hunter and all his medical paraphernalia don’t intimidate Erin’s friends. They’re intrigued and curious but not fearful. My cousin Jessica