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Jim and Hunter played a football game on the computer today. It’s odd, but I feel like whenever Hunter is with his daddy, there’s almost an atmosphere of love around them. An aura of protection and love enveloping them. When I observe this happening, it’s almost as though Hunter’s love for Jim is so profound that it mirrors God’s love for us.

I see this in my son. I see his Christlike qualities and am not ashamed to admit it. There is only one Jesus Christ, and I know this; it’s just that my son is getting closer to Christ every day. Hunter takes on His attributes. The attribute that seems the strongest is his ability to show love without speaking, without writing us notes, without running to us and throwing his arms around us. I see his unconditional love for his father and you can observe the peace on Jim’s face when they are together. This is a beautiful image. If only I could capture it in my mind forever.

I sure wish I loved Jim the way HB does. What I wouldn’t do for some of that love. I know it comes from Your heart, Lord, so please fill mine. Please love him through me. I can’t do it—please change me; change the way I feel and how I treat my husband.

The greatest thing about Jim is that he keeps me seeking You. Please make a way! Show me how to love my husband the way Hunter does, the way You do. I thirst for Your patience, Your forgiveness, Your understanding, and Your humility…. I want to love my husband this way, I just don’t know how. To me it looks hopeless and helpless. I think Jim needs You more than Hunter does.

March 18, 2003 (Children’s Hospital)—Heavenly Father, at times like these I selfishly long for Hunter to be with You in heaven, far away from emergency rooms, needles that prick, machines that beep… everything about this place. Help me to live each day with one foot in eternity and the other planted soundly on this earth. Grounded enough to be a great mother, wife, friend, daughter, and disciple.

They’re telling us Hunter’s starting to lose his “involuntary blink”—the kind that we all do without thinking. This is causing him to have serious eye issues. Come on, please, God; You know he blinks once for yes. If he also loses his voluntary blink, then what? Please don’t take that from him, too! That’s how he talks. That’s how he says “I love you.”

The whole concept of Hunter being here [at Children’s Hospital] for some greater purpose tests my faith to the extreme. My heart knows God has a plan and is in control. Nevertheless, my mind cannot stop intruding on my faith and questioning, what purpose can this serve? PLEASE TELL ME! How can this be good? Make him better now, please!!!

Whoa—I’m yelling at God. Jill, get a grip. Lord, forgive me and remind me of Your sovereignty and perfect will. Please make Hunter well so he can go home and play with his sisters, snuggle, take a warm bath—all the things he loves to do. He’s so brave. I’m still hopeful that You might consider healing Hunter—totally, this side of heaven—but Your ways are higher and better than mine. Help me to take care of the girls and Hunter. Please impart Your supernatural strength into my life.

April 16, 2003—Mrs. Basinski [Erin’s kindergarten teacher] came over for a visit today. She brought a beautiful black-and-white rabbit with her, and the kids enjoyed the little cuddly critter. She also read some wonderful Easter books. She’s a wonderful friend and great teacher.

Although it’s not my favorite medical apparatus, the CoughAssist [a mechanical device used to clear bronchial secretions] appears to be helping Hunter. Imagine that, a machine that helps you cough. As his body continues to deteriorate, I hope there’s always something—a machine and medicine, anything—to help him battle this wretched disease.

I haven’t been able to write as often lately; we’ve been too busy and I’m completely exhausted. A recent huge blessing: Hunter was exercising his arms, moving them up and down, all by himself. Watching him try so hard and move on his own is a miracle. Do miracles always have to be huge, earth-shattering