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The best day of my life was when you came into my life, and the worst was when you left. I know I will see you again someday soon in eternity. But I would do anything to be with you for one more day… even if it was only for a second. I would do anything to touch your perfect skin or run my fingers through your curly brown hair just one last time. To watch a movie with you, play Rescue Heroes with you, and look into your handsome green eyes just one last time.

Life will never be the same without you. Home isn’t home without you. Life isn’t life without you. I’ll never be the same. Jesus is the only reason I’m still living. I miss you more than anything.

I miss watching Davey and Goliath with you. I miss playing games with you, even though you always beat me. I miss coming home from school and knowing that there was one very important boy waiting for a hug from his big sister. I miss staring into your eyes, hoping and praying that somehow, some way I could take your place.

I know God had a reason for your suffering, even though I don’t understand it all. You were put in my life for a reason. If it were not for God blessing me with you as my brother, I would be lost in this broken world.

You are a breath of fresh air. When I look at you I don’t see “disabled,” I see my only brother��who is very able. Because you, Hunter James Kelly, are a life changer. You changed my life without a word, and because of you, I will never ever be the same.

I can’t wait to spend eternity with you.

You’re the world’s best brother.

I love you more than life itself!

Love, Erin

Chapter 17

Walking Through the Valley

After the girls managed to transition back to school in September, I became obsessed with busyness. Whenever idleness would rear its ugly head, I would run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. My daily agenda was completely jammed. As long as I could stay busy, it didn’t matter what I was doing. I started taking theology classes every Monday night at our church through Liberty University, and I also got involved in crafting.

I decided to make bookmarks. I loved scrapbooking and had plenty of paraphernalia for the craft. So I gathered all my stickers and colorful paper and created bookmarks. The girls and I spent hours designing and laminating. We made greeting cards, too. The craft phase certainly served its purpose in occupying some of that idle time, but I remained very restless.

We celebrated my first birthday (September 9) without Hunter with little fanfare. It was a sad yet wonderful day spent with special people who meant so much to us throughout Hunter’s life. Rather than bring me gifts, I had asked everyone to write their favorite memory of Hunter (see Appendix C), which immediately became greater in value and meaning than any gift I’d ever received. After I blew out the candles, we all grabbed a piece of birthday cake, handmade with love by Hunter’s best friend, Robert, and his mom, Elizabeth. We then headed into the living room where, one by one, Team Hunter shared their memories. It was heart-wrenching, and we all cried a lot. Nevertheless, the joy and love in that room were unmistakable, healthy, and healing. Even reading about Hunter stirred our hearts with a fullness of joy that only God could impart. I knew I would miss our team. A lot.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Day 2006 came and went. Before I knew it, it was Valentine’s Day (Jim’s forty-sixth birthday and what would have been Hunter’s ninth). Here are fragments from my journal entry for that day:

As I do every year, I decorated our house with red heart balloons, red and white streamers, confetti, and sparkles. “Happy Birthday, Daddy and Hunter” heart-shaped signs were strategically placed throughout the house. Presents wrapped in shiny red gift wrap were piled on the kitchen table, surrounded by framed pictures of Jim and Hunter. Everything looked fun and festive, ready for a day of celebrating. But all I wanted to do was grab a blanket and pillow and go to