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While I felt let down and forsaken by some people, the sincere love and heartfelt prayers of so many others were an encouragement to me. Although few people knew the depths of my despair, those who did prayed earnestly for me and our entire family. I was so grateful for their care and generosity of spirit.

My greatest fear during those months of anguish was being separated from God. I believed the lie that I was somehow cut off from the God I believed in and loved with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Losing Hunter had been unimaginably dreadful, but just the thought of losing Jesus was utterly and completely devastating. He was my life. He was my hope. He was my salvation. Without Him, I knew I would never see Hunter again. And yet as deep as my despair, grief, and doubt went, He proved to be deeper still.

So while it seemed to me that my faith had failed me, Jesus hadn’t. It was in pursuit of that faith that I first met my Savior, Jesus Christ. And now in Hunter’s death and my grieving, that faith had been tested. In the midst of my confusion and despair, I came to realize that God was faithful, even if through the fog of depression I was unable for a time to see and connect with Him.

Slowly, ever so slowly, hope was nurtured back to life, my faith was renewed, and healing gradually began.

Chapter 18

I’m Free

Since becoming a Christian in the summer of 1998, I had been praying that Jim would also come to know Christ in a real and personal way. At that time, he told me that it didn’t bother him that I turned to God for help, “but don’t expect me to change, too.” Still, over the next few years I witnessed simple yet profound signs that God was at work in his life.

In May 2004, for example, Jim completely surprised me for Mother’s Day. He was in a rush, of course, to get out the door to catch a plane to an appearance. Before he left, though, he hurried the girls into the playroom near where Hunter and I were hanging out. And then he said, “Okay, is everybody ready?”

He motioned to the girls, and then they all started to recite Psalm 23: “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters…” (KJV).

I was astonished. Jim had memorized the Twenty-third Psalm for Mother’s Day! For him to take the time to memorize anything other than football plays assured me that God was moving in his life. Jim explained that he had written the psalm down and placed it in various locations so that he could read it often. I couldn’t believe it!

Then a few months later Jim was in Los Angeles for another appearance. He called me one afternoon while shopping with Tommy Good. “Jill,” he said, “I’m in a store right now checking out some necklaces with T-Good, and I was just wondering…”

Initially I selfishly thought, Oh brother, here we go again, like I need more jewelry. But then Jim shocked me: “I’m checking out some of the cross necklaces, and I was just wondering what you think would be better for me—gold or silver? There are some really cool-looking crosses, too. Should I get just a simple one, or a bigger one?”

The irony of this was the fact that when I had become a Christian, one of the first things I’d done was buy a cross necklace. And here Jim was picking out a cross. Why? All I could think was that God must be doing something in Jim’s heart for him to even want a cross necklace. And on top of that, he had called me to ask my opinion.

Jim had also agreed to marriage counseling. We’d been having valuable sessions with our pastor, Rich George. Counseling had begun to help us in so many ways. We really needed it. Jim and I had no idea how to communicate, much less deal with deep, hurtful issues in our relationship.

I was convinced we would get a divorce after Hunter’s death. Hunter had been the glue that kept our family together.

I had been so focused on taking care of him that I didn’t have time to concern myself with what Jim was doing. And what was worse, I didn