Without remorse - Tom Clancy [22]
'Is this it?' Kelly asked. He held the bottle in his hands. His reward for the harsh question was like a well-earned knife in the heart.
Pam didn't reply for a few seconds. Her eyes fixed on the brown plastic container, and the first thing Kelly saw was a sudden, hungry expression as though her thoughts were already reaching for the bottle, already picking one or more of the tablets out, already anticipating whatever it was that she got from the damned things, not caring, not even noting that there were others in the room. Then the shame hit her, the realization that whatever image she had tried to convey to the others was rapidly diminishing. But worst of all, after her eyes swept over Sam and Sarah, they settled on Kelly again, oscillating between his hand and his face. At first hunger vied with shame, but shame won, and when her eyes locked on his, the expression on her face began as that of a child caught misbehaving, but it and she matured into something else, as she saw that something which might have grown into love was changing over an interval of heartbeats into contempt and disgust. Her breathing changed in a moment, becoming rapid, then irregular as the sobs began, and she realized that the greatest disgust was within her own mind, for even a drug addict must look inward, and doing so through the eyes of others merely added a cruel edge.
'I'm s-s-sorry, Kel-el-y. I di-didn't tel-el...' she tried to say, her body collapsing into itself. Pam seemed to shrink before their eyes as she saw what might have been a chance evaporate, and beyond that dissipating cloud was only despair. Pam turned away, sobbing, unable to face the man she'd begun to love.
It was decision time for John Terrence Kelly. He could feel betrayed, or he could show the same compassion to her that she had shown to him less than twenty hours before. More than anything else, what decided it was her look to him, the shame so manifest on her face. He could not just stand there. He had to do something, else his own very proud image of himself would dissolve as surely and rapidly as hers.
Kelly's eyes filled with tears as well. He went to her and wrapped his arms around her to keep her from falling, cradling her like a child, pulling her head back against his chest, because it was now his time to be strong for her, to set whatever thoughts he had aside for a while, and even the dissonant part of his mind refused to cackle its I told you so at this moment, because there was someone hurt in his arms, and this wasn't the time for that. They stood together for a few minutes while the others watched with a mixture of personal unease and professional detachment.
'I've been trying,' she said presently, 'I really have - but I was so scared.'
'It's okay,' Kelly told her, not quite catching what she had just said. 'You were there for me, and now it's my turn to be here for you.'
'But -' She started sobbing again, and it took a minute or so before she got it out. 'I'm not what you think I am.'
Kelly let a smile creep into his voice as he missed the second warning. 'You don't know what I think, Pammy. It's okay. Really.' He'd concentrated so hard on the girl in his arms that he hadn't noticed Sarah Rosen at his side.
'Pam, how about we take a little walk?' Pam nodded agreement, and Sarah led her outside, leaving Kelly to look at Sam.
'You are a mensch,' Rosen announced with satisfaction at his earlier diagnosis of the man's character. 'Kelly, how close is the nearest town with a pharmacy?'
'Solomons, I guess. Shouldn't she be in a hospital?'
'I'll let Sara make the call on that, but I suspect it's not necessary.'
Kelly looked at the bottle still in his hand. 'Well, I'm going to deep-six these damned things.'
'No! ' Rosen snapped. 'I'll take them. They all carry lot numbers. The police can identify the shipment that was diverted. I'll lock them