Writing That Works, 3e_ How to Communicate Effectively in Business - Kenneth Roman [24]
3. Consider beginning with a title
Many business letters are parts of a long-term correspondence between seller and customer, attorney and client, private firm and government bureau. In such cases, it’s a good idea to follow the salutation with a title.
Dear George:
ACME LEGAL ACTION: SECOND PHASE
A title identifies the subject at a glance and is a blessing for anybody who ever has to dig out previous correspondence on it. Consider using a title even on one-time-only letters to strangers. Nothing else so quickly identifies the subject of your letter:
Dear American Express:
LOST CREDIT CARD — ACCOUNT #3729 — 051721
4. Make your first sentence work hard
Since titles on letters aren’t standard practice, they may strike you as too abrupt or too impersonal for many situations. Then your first sentence has to perform the function of a title. Your reader wants to know at once what the letter is about.
Bill Smith brought to our attention your concern about Jane Jones’s conversations with the XYZ bank.
There is no need for the written equivalent of small talk. The most courteous thing you can do is spare your reader the trouble of puzzling out what you’re getting at.
Annoying small talk
Dear Classmate,
As you know, we had a wonderful fifteenth reunion last June. We can all be proud of the class gift we presented at that time. Now we are well into the first year of the end-of-the-century campaign.
Gratifying directness
Dear Classmate,
It’s time to pull together our sixteenth annual gift to the university. You’ll remember we gave a whopper at our fifteenth reunion — but the need goes on.
What about letters responding to inquiries or on a subject introduced in previous correspondence? Can you presume that the reader will know what your letter is about, having brought up the subject himself in an earlier letter?
Yes — up to a point. On the next page are two answers to a request for information.
Too windy Too abrupt
Dear Mr. Allen: Dear Mr. Allen:
I am writing in response to your letter of June 24, in which you express an interest in the literature describing our line of herbicides, with particular reference to the control of dandelions in residential lawns. Unfortunately, we are all out of our pamphlets on this subject, but perhaps the following information will be of assistance. I’m sorry that we’re out of the literature you asked for. Here’s some information that may include what you need.
The letter on the right presumes too much. If Mr. Allen, who may write dozens of letters daily, doesn’t happen to remember exactly what he wrote about to this particular firm, days or weeks ago, the first two sentences don’t help him. He needs a speedy reminder of his inquiry — more direct than the first letter, less abrupt than the second.
Dear Mr. Allen:
We’ve run out of our literature on controlling dandelions. I’m sorry, and I’ll send it as soon as a fresh supply gets here. Meanwhile, maybe this information will help.
The short first sentence reminds Mr. Allen of the subject and tells him the chief thing he needs to know. Always identify your subject in your first sentence.
5. Stop when you’re through
Just as some letters take their time to wind up and get going, many slow down tediously before stopping. Avoid platitudes like these:
Please call if you have any questions.
I hope this answers your concern.
Please give this matter your careful consideration.
Unless you have something to say that is more than a formality, simply stop. If your last sentence says what your reader would assume or do anyway, as in the examples above, leave it out. Such stuff doesn’t sound sincere or friendly. It sounds