Yesterday, I Cried_ Celebrating the Lessons of Living and Loving - Iyanla Vanzant [124]
While he was in prison in New York, Damon was extradited to Virginia to face charges on a three-year-old case. He pleaded guilty and was sentenced to five to seven years. He would be eligible for parole after serving two years. I cried and vomited for two weeks. I don’t think I have ever experienced such emotional pain in my entire adult life. I prayed and wrote about my feelings every day, sometimes three times a day. It is not your fault, I told myself. It is his lesson. It is the result of choices he has made. Now he will learn to choose again. It took about two years for me to understand what Damon and I had been going through. When it was clear in my mind, I wrote him a letter sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings:
Dear Damon,
I have received your most recent letter, and I was very glad to hear from you. I have not blocked your collect calls. I have not been paid for quite some time, and I do not have a telephone. I am thankful for this time to be still and listen to my own thoughts. I recognize that you have grown a great deal and believe you have made great strides in your personal development, but it still feels to me that there are many things that you do not understand. I am sure that you have an idea that my financial situation is not the best it could be right now, yet you write asking me to do something for you. You and I both know the amount of money you have had and wasted, and that you saved nothing for a rainy day. This is why I am so amazed that when you need something you have no qualms about asking me for help, no matter what my situation may be. I guess that is what sons believe mothers are for. It does not, however, make me feel good.
Every day I pray for you. I pray for your enlightenment and your growth. I ask God to touch you right where you are and bring your heart and mind into alignment with His will for you. I pray that you will become one with God and the spirit of God within you. I know that prayer can get into places that I cannot reach. I know that prayer can straighten out situations I do not understand. I guess I need to pray a little harder and a little longer for you.
I spent twenty-two dollars to purchase the book you asked me to buy. I spent another two dollars and ninety cents to send it to you. I am not responsible if the Department of Corrections loses the book. Now, with my telephone off and no money to pay the rent, you want me to pay to Xerox the book and send it to you. That will not happen. I have sent you more than a hundred dollars’ worth of books in the last month. This is more than enough for you to read for the next year. Read them over and over again. Each time you read them, you will discover something new. You may even discover how to get the twenty-five dollars you need to submit your college application. The time has come for you to do for yourself. You must learn how to figure things out and make them work for you. You must pray and ask for guidance.
I am happy that you are studying with the brothers. However, being a Muslim, a Christian, or anything else means absolutely nothing if it does not help you find a better way to live. If your chosen faith does not open your mind to the great possibilities of life, it means absolutely nothing. I know that while you are in prison, reading helps you to pass the time. The issue is how is it going to help you when you get out, if you are still thinking the same way, feeling the same way, acting the same way? You do not need God or Allah to keep you where you are. You want the Creative Force of the Higher Consciousness to move you to a new place in your mind and heart.
I was quite shocked to read in your letter, “a divorce would crush me,” and “I want for my daughter what I did not have—two parents.” The fact of the matter is, you are already divorced. You do not live with your wife. You do not support