Yesterday, I Cried_ Celebrating the Lessons of Living and Loving - Iyanla Vanzant [132]
In his book Conversations With God, Book One, Neale Donald Walsch wrote, “When you declare yourself to be a thing, everything unlike you will show up.” I wish I had known that back then. I wish I had known that the minute I declared myself to be a teacher, a minister, a “Great Mother,” everything possible would show up to test my sincerity. I didn’t know it. I didn’t recognize the tests. I thought I was being punished and so I doubted myself. Then along came Acts of Faith. I had a contract with a major publisher. I was being paid more money than I had ever received since leaving the legal profession. Tapping the Power Within was selling extremely well. My ministry had grown out of the front door. My daughter had just had a baby. In the midst of it all, I was being asked to write a book. A whole, entire book. Every fiber of my being was screaming, “You’re not good enough! You’re stupid! You can’t do that. If you do, they will find out. You don’t believe a word of what you’re saying!” I didn’t let that stop me. I wrote it anyway.
When things get bad, people have a tendency to fall apart and stop. I know how to fall apart and keep moving. That has been my salvation. I have been able to move through pain, anger, doubt, worthlessness, valuelessness, and fear without missing a step. If you had seen me on any day during that time, you would have never known that I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. Those close to me knew it. I knew it. I would talk to my best friend and prayer partner, Shaheerah, about what I was feeling. I always told her I felt like I was being dishonest. She would remind me over and over, “You can only teach what you need to learn.” Shaheerah and I have been through some pretty rough times together. Had it not been for her prayers, her faith in me, her words, which were at times like buckets of cold water, Iyanla never would have been born. When she was coming, a breech birth, Shaheerah was like a midwife who knew exactly what to do or say to turn me around. Shaheerah and I knew what was at the core of my struggle. We rarely talked about it, but we both knew.
I was disobedient, and God knew it. I kept getting messages, seeing visions, hearing things, but I would not listen. Every time I prayed the same prayer, I got the same answer. It wasn’t that I didn’t know the answer. It was that I didn’t believe the answer. I didn’t believe it because I didn’t think I deserved to be blessed by God. The answer that popped into my mind, no matter what tragedy, crisis, or challenge I faced, was “Lean not on your own understanding. Honor me in all thy ways and I will give you the desires of your heart.” It was so simple, and yet I chose not to believe it. I chose to do it my way. I would ask for guidance and then make up my own mind. Still, the blessings kept coming. I kept getting the support and assistance I needed when I needed it. Each time something wonderful or tragic would happen, it would force me to a new level of myself where I would ask, “Why me?” When the answer was revealed, I would have to clean up my act a bit more.
Writing Acts of Faith helped me to develop an intimate and personal relationship with God. It was in that process that I met God for the first time. I met the God of my understanding. The God I could feel in my heart. It was in the writing process that I learned there are many paths that lead to one road. I realized that God didn’t care if I was a Yoruba or a Christian. God wasn’t concerned with the fact that each of my children had a different father, and He wasn’t keeping track of who I slept with. God wanted me to love myself. God wanted me to honor myself. God had a purpose for me and for my life, and if I would ask and trust, trust and believe, God would make all things possible. It was in the process of writing Acts of Faith that I discovered God’s love and my love for myself.