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Next, Baba placed a pinch of hot, African red pepper in my mouth. While he was talking, I was choking. He talked about anger and fear and things that could make us angry and frightened. I swear he said more when I had that pepper in my mouth than he has ever said to me in my life. He ended his soliloquy by asking me if I understood. I didn’t respond. I just started dancing. Adeyemi, who had more pepper in his mouth than I did, repeated the same process.

Then he gave us the honey. What a relief! He told us how to attract goodness and sweetness into our lives. He talked about sexuality and lust. He talked about babies but told us we were too old to have more, that we already had enough children. We danced for each other as before, our mouths full of honey. Next came the egg.

Baba held an egg in his hand as an example of how delicate life is. He explained to us the necessity of being gentle with life and with each other. He explained how fragile the heart and the mind can be, and what happens when they are not handled with care. He placed the egg in my hand, then instructed Adeyemi to take my hand in both of his hands. Together we danced, holding the egg. It was all so beautiful and meaningful, but it was the suitcases that brought the whole room to tears.

Baba presented us each with a separate worn and ragged suitcase. He talked to us about the necessity to come to each other “empty.” Our hearts and minds, he said, needed to be empty of every past relationship, every past hurt, everything we had done in the past that could in any way harm our marriage. He made us each visualize taking people, things, and thoughts out of the suitcases. When we thought we were done, he asked us if we now thought the suitcases were empty. Then he made us do it again. I don’t know what Adeyemi did, but I pulled Gary, John, Eddie, and Curtis out of my suitcase and threw them into the bushes. I took Grandma, Daddy, Nett, and the old Ray out of the suitcase and offered them each to God. I took my children out, and his children out. I kissed each of them on the forehead and shooed them away. Next, I imagined words floating out of the suitcase into the sky. The words I remember were fear, anger, hate, resentment, jealousy (that was a big one for me when I was with Adeyemi the first time), worthlessness, valuelessness, dishonesty, neediness, and doubt.

Finally, as I began to cry, I pulled Rhonda out of the suitcase. She jumped back in. I pulled her out again. She started to fight me, so I opened my arms and asked her for a hug. When I did that, she ran off by herself.

Baba kept peeking into the suitcases. When he felt the completion, he showed the empty suitcases to Balé who nodded his approval, and the suitcases were taken away.

On a beautiful cold day in May, Iyanla married Adeyemi. We have a “no way out” clause in our commitment to one another. We understand that our marriage has a purpose. Our purpose to is help one another heal. It is not always easy, but we are committed to each other and the process of being healed. Every now and then, Rhonda shows up, as does the child in Adeyemi’s mind. When they get busy in our lives, we want to get away from each other as fast as possible. We entertain the possibility of separating. But when we remember that there is “no way out” of the healing process except by learning to love, we get clear. We remember that we have so many things to celebrate, we do not have time to remember the tears.

Epilogue

Life hurts. Life is painful. Life is suffering. There is nothing in life that does not involve trial. There is nothing worthwhile that doesn’t have a cost. Yet, we must go on. There is nothing great that does not require a series of small acts. We must persevere. If we do, good times are sure to follow. If we constantly seek, even in darkness, guidance is sure to come. If we strive against evil, no matter what the cost, righteousness is sure to triumph.

Deng Ming-Dao, in Everyday Tao: Living With Balance and Harmony

GIVING BIRTH TO THIS BOOK has been one of the most