Yesterday, I Cried_ Celebrating the Lessons of Living and Loving - Iyanla Vanzant [55]
At the time Rhonda needed to be taught about being a woman, her circumstances were very transitional. Aunt Nadine was in and out of the hospital, Beanie was always distraught, and Nett was an infrequent visitor. No one had told Rhonda about menstruation, first love, or sex. None of the women in her life ever mentioned or exemplified self-nurturing, self-respect, or self-honor. Rhonda had no one to giggle with about the sacred, secret, innocent “girly things.” She saw no pictures or examples that would help her understand what would happen to her body, what to expect once it happened, or what to do about it when it happened. Most of what Rhonda learned came from the walls of the girls’ restroom at school and from what boys saw fit to say when they wanted to educate you fast. By the time someone noticed that Rhonda was becoming a woman, it was too late for training. Her innocence had been stolen, and she had received all the information she could handle “on the job.”
Teddy hung around with the other boys in front of Nett’s apartment building. He lived on the top floor with his mother, his brother, and his mother’s boyfriend. Nett had her eye on Teddy because she had noticed that Teddy had his eye on Rhonda.
“Stay away from that man! He’s not a boy, he’s a man, and I don’t like the way he looks at you.” Rhonda didn’t say a word. She had absolutely no intention of staying away from him. In fact, she’d been waiting for a time when she could speak to him when Nett wasn’t looking. She didn’t have to wait long.
When you need to be loved, you take love wherever you can find it. When you are desperate to be loved, feel love, know love, you seek out what you think love should look like. When you find love, or what you think love is, you will lie, kill, and steal to keep it. But learning about real love comes from within. It cannot be given. It cannot be taken away. It grows from your sense of self. It grows from your ability to re-create within yourself, and for yourself, the essence of loving experiences you have had in your life. When you have not had loving experiences, or when you do not have a sense of self, the true essence of love eludes you. Instead, you hold onto, reach out to, and find yourself embroiled in, your mistaken beliefs about yourself and love.
“Hi!” Teddy said, catching up to Rhonda as she walked to the bus stop. “I was wondering what happened to you.” Teddy was charming; his Southern drawl was smooth as silk.
“What do you mean?” Rhonda asked.
“I used to see you and your brother leaving for school every morning, but I haven’t seen you for a while,” Rhonda was flattered. He had been watching her!
Over the next several months, Reggie and Rhonda were on again, off again, but things with Teddy were heating up. Rhonda was thirteen, Teddy was nineteen. He had come to New York from Mississippi to find work after he finished high school. He had been raised by his grandmother and wanted to make some money to send back home to her. Teddy said he had six aunts and uncles who kept having children and dropping them off for his grandmother to raise. His grandmother was old, tired, and poor. Rhonda told Teddy about Grandma, who showed no signs of aging, could still move fast, and was mean as hell.
Whenever Teddy saw Nett, he tried his best to be extra nice to her. He would hold the door for her, offer to carry her bags, and always had a friendly and respectful greeting when she passed. But Nett wouldn’t give him the time of day. She didn’t like him and made no effort to hide her feelings. It didn’t matter; Teddy persisted in his pursuit of Rhonda. One morning as Rhonda was leaving for school she found Teddy waiting for her