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By Root 855 0

The little that was left went toward clothing, utility bills, and to cover dire necessities. Nett helped out when she could, but she was a bit miffed that her grandchildren were living in the same building as Daddy and “that woman.” John had made it very clear that he wasn’t giving Rhonda any assistance unless she had sex with him. Rhonda’s brother, Ray, was good for a few dollars on Fridays, when he got paid, but Rhonda would have to get to him before he got high. Occasionally, through a temporary agency, Rhonda got work that she did not report to her welfare caseworker. As the children grew, the apartment got smaller and smaller. She thought about moving, but the money just wasn’t there.

When you are in trouble, it is hard to believe that you are being prepared for something better. It is hard to see that the desperation you feel in the pit of your stomach is making you stronger. There is no way to tell that the fear you experience, when the bills are late or the refrigerator is empty, makes you a wiser, more prudent decision maker. When you are in trouble, you feel weak and numb. It is hard to think. It is like waiting for the axe to fall. But because there are so many axes hanging over you, you are not sure which way to duck. Rhonda was beginning to doubt herself. She felt weak, on her way to numbness. She was tired of dodging axes. She could not see her way out of the trouble she was in. Money trouble. Mothering trouble. Rotten-man trouble. John was calling her every day, gnawing away at her resolve to build a better life. It was a bit much for a twenty-three-year-old.

Rhonda eventually married the trouble. She and John exchanged rings and vows in a private ceremony between themselves. Although she was still technically married to Curtis, it was important to her that John wanted to marry her. It worked for almost two years. Then the trouble got stirred up all over again.

John and Rhonda didn’t fight. He beat her up. Period. He had stopped slapping her. Now, he would punch her. While she was down from a punch, he would straddle her, choke her, and, if she tried to get away, he would kick her. Most of the time he beat her for spending money. Rhonda liked to spend money. It made her feel good. She spent money on clothing and shoes for herself and the children. While Rhonda was out shopping, John was spending his time with other women. When he came home and discovered the things Rhonda had bought, he would beat her.

Shopping wasn’t John’s only excuse for beating Rhonda. He beat her because it was Tuesday. He beat her because the moon was full. He beat her if there wasn’t enough to eat. He beat her if he didn’t like what she had prepared to eat. Slapping, punching, choking, and kicking Rhonda was the way in which John communicated what he wanted her to do and not do. The only thing worse than the actual beatings was the knowledge that if she did not figure out what he was trying to communicate to her, she would get beaten again.

While the children were in school and John was at work, Rhonda would plot and plan how to leave him. Some days, she made wildly elaborate schemes, involving extensive driving and long airplane rides. When Rhonda thought about paying for airplane tickets, or buying a car, she’d have to scale back somewhat. She would envision herself moving from place to place, staying with one person one night and someone else the next. She would see herself carting the kids from here to there, with John in hot pursuit. She always imagined that she would elude him and get away. Then one night John dumped her off the bed, mattress and all. He pulled the mattress off of her and hit her on the head with a bed slat. Rhonda knew she had to do something quickly.

She petitioned the court for an Order of Protection. John could not come within fifty yards of her or the apartment. If he violated the order, she had recourse; she could call the police and have him arrested. Rhonda was in control, and John was furious. She allowed him to visit one day a week to see the children, have sex, and to give her grocery money. Rhonda