You Get So Alone at Times That It Just Makes Sense - Charles Bukowski [23]
the kind of stuff I wrote, and on and on, like
that.
the other letter was from the beautiful lady editor, neatly typed on
expensive stationery, and she said that she was no longer
publishing her literary magazine, that she had found God and was
living in a castle on a hill in Italy and helping the poor, and
she signed her famous name, with a “God Bless you,” and that was
that.
ah, you have no idea, in that dark freezing shack, how much I wanted to
be poor in Italy instead of Atlanta, to be a poor peasant,
yes, or even a dog on her bedspread, or even a flea on that
dog on that
bedspread: how much I wanted the tiniest
warmth.
the lady had published me along with Henry Miller, Sartre, Celine,
others.
I should never have asked for money in a world where millions of
peasants were crawling the starving
streets
and even some years later when the lady editor
died
I still thought her
beautiful.
about the PEN conference
take a writer away from his typewriter
and all you have left
is
the sickness
which started him
typing
in the
beginning.
everybody talks too much
when
the cop pulled me
over
I
handed him my
license.
he
went back
to radio in
the make
and model
of my car
and
get clearance on
my plates.
he wrote
the ticket
walked
up
handed it
to me
to
sign.
I did
he gave
me
back the
license.
“how come
you
don’t
say
anything?”
he asked.
I shrugged
my
shoulders.
“well, sir,”
he
said, “have
a
good day
and
drive
carefully.”
I
noticed
some sweat
on his
brow
and the
hand
that held
the
ticket
seemed to
be
trembling
or
perhaps
I
was only
imagining it?
anyhow
I
watched him
move
toward
his
bike
then I
pulled
away…
when confronted
with
dutiful
policemen
or
women
in rancor
I
have nothing
to
say
to them
for
if I
truly
began
it would
end
in
somebody’s
death:
theirs or
mine
so
I
let them
have
their
little
victories
which
they need
far
more
than
I
do.
me and my buddy
I can still see us
together
back then
sitting by the river
while shit-
faced on the
grape
and playing with the
poem
knowing it to be
utterly useless
but something to
do
while
waiting
the Emperors
with their frightened
clay faces
watch us as we
drink
Li Po crumbles his
poems
sets them on
fire
floats them down the
river.
“what have you
done?” I
ask him.
Li passes the
bottle: “they are
going to end
no matter what
happens…”
I drink to his
knowledge
pass the bottle
back
sit tightly upon my
poems
which I have
jammed halfway up my
crotch
I help him burn
some more of his
poesy
they float well
down
the river
lighting up the
night
as good words
should.
song
Julio came by with his guitar and sang his
latest song.
Julio was famous, he wrote songs and also
published books of little drawings and
poems.
they were very
good.
Julio sang a song about his latest love
affair.
he sang that
it began so well
then it went to
hell.
those were not the words exactly
but that was the meaning of the
words.
Julio finished
singing.
then he said, “I still care for
her, I can’t get her off my
mind.”
“what will I do?” Julio
asked.
“drink,” Henry said,
pouring.
Julio just looked at his
glass:
“I wonder what she’s doing
now?”
“probably engaging in oral
copulation,” Henry
suggested.
Julio put his guitar back in
the case and
walked to the
door.
Henry walked Julio to his car which
was parked in the
drive.
it was a nice moonlit
night.
as Julio started his car and
backed out the drive
Henry waved him a
farewell.
then he went inside
sat
down.
he finished Julio’s untouched
drink
then he
phoned
her.
“he was just by,” Henry told
her, “he’s feeling very
bad…”
“you’ll have to excuse me,”
she said, “but I’m busy right
now.”
she hung
up.
and Henry poured one of his
own
as outside the crickets sang
their own
song.
practice
in that depression neighborhood I had two buddies
Eugene and Frank