You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News - Writers of Cracked dot Com [26]
And that was the last straw: Joseph finally decided to discipline his son. But what do you do in response to a list of crimes more befitting a Grand Theft Auto sequel than a holy child? Grounding? Caning? Imprisonment?
None of the above.
Joseph “grabbed [Jesus’s] ear” and “wrung it til it was sore.” You may laugh, but in the end Jesus does end up uncursing everybody; just not out of some well-deserved sense of remorse or the slightest hint of empathy or anything. Eventually, a local teacher starts frantically screaming to everybody that Jesus Christ is probably God, after a Good Will Hunting-style display of intelligence at his Nazareth grade school (funny, you’d think the boy’s ability to kill with words would have clued everyone in sooner).
So now that the secret’s out (the kid laying siege to entire countries with his superpowers is—surprise—extraordinary), Jesus figures he may as well reverse all the death and destruction because, hey, once you get your propers, there’s just no reason to blast them bitches no more.
If you take one thing away from this, let it be that Jesus Christ wasn’t born the Gandhi-like paragon of peace you know him as—he’s more like a reformed con: sick of the game because he lived it too hard, for too long.
If there are two things that you take away from this, let the second be that the power of Christ is terrifying. Sure, miracles like bread splitting or wine making might seem a bit dull, but that’s just because the Church decided that the part where Jesus became the snake-melting dragonmaster was a little too terrifying for your delicate sensibilities. You straight up can’t handle that much Jesus.
“Come on, honey. If you behave yourself, Jordan Monsell you can have some mouse fetus for the ride home.”
THE SIX MOST TERRIFYING FOODS IN THE WORLD
LOOKING to vomit right now but lack the proper motivation? Don’t worry, we got you covered. Here are six dishes that seem to have sprung from Satan’s own cookbook.
6. BABY MICE WINE
From: Korea
What the hell is it?
What better way to wash down some spicy Korean food than with a nice chilled cup of dead mice babies?
Baby mice wine is a traditional Chinese and Korean “health tonic,” which apparently tastes like raw gasoline. Little mice, eyes still closed, are plucked from the embrace of their loving mothers and stuffed (while still alive) into a bottle of rice wine. They are left to ferment while their parents wring their tiny mouse paws in despair, tears dropping sadly from the tips of their whiskers.
Wait, it gets worse . . .
Do you wince at the thought of swallowing a tequila worm? Imagine how you’d feel waking up next to an empty bottle of baby mice wine. Whoops, I swallowed a dead mouse! Whoops, there goes another one! Whoops, I just puked my entire body out of my nose!
Danger of this turning up in America
Slim. Who are you going to find in America who’s OK with drinking dead baby anything with a heartbeat just because they think it might make their life just a tiny bit longer? OK, other than lawyers?
5. CASU MARZU
From: Sardinia, Italy
What the hell is it?
This, dear reader, is a medium-size lump of sheep’s milk cheese that has been deliberately infested by a Piophila casei , commonly known as the cheese fly. The result is a maggot-ridden, weeping stink bomb in an advanced state of decomposition.
The cheese fly’s translucent larvae are able to jump about six inches into the air, making this the only cheese that requires you wear eye protection while eating it. The taste is strong enough to burn the tongue and, presumably, to melt the inside of a toilet bowl later on.
The larvae themselves pass through the stomach undigested, sometimes surviving long enough to breed in the intestine, where they attempt to bore through the walls, causing vomiting and bloody diarrhea.
Wait, it gets worse . . .
This cheese is a delicacy in Sardinia, where it is illegal. Yep. It is illegal in the only place where people actually want to eat it. If this does not communicate a very clear message, perhaps the larvae