You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News - Writers of Cracked dot Com [27]
Danger of this turning up in America
If the cheese companies have a lot of maggot stock in the back of their warehouses that they’d like to get rid of, why not? Self-loathing is a powerful force in this economy (see the diet section of your local supermarket).
4. ESCAMOLES
From: Mexico
What the hell is it?
Escamoles are the eggs of a giant black ant (Liometopum apiculatum ) that makes its home in the root systems of maguey and agave plants. Collecting the eggs is a uniquely unpleasant job, since the ants are highly venomous and apparently have some sort of grudge against human orifices.
The eggs have the consistency of cottage cheese. The most popular way to eat them is in a taco with guacamole, while insane.
Wait, it gets worse . . .
Escamoles have a surprisingly pleasant taste: buttery and slightly nutty. This hugely increases the chances that, while in Mexico, you could eat them without realizing you are eating a taco full of ant eggs.
Danger of this turning up in America
How well do you really know what’s in that burrito? Americans have proven that they’ll eat anything if you dress it up in some kind of friendly sounding, pseudo-Mexican name. Taco Bell sold a soft taco called the Gordita, which means “fat little girl” in Spanish. Call them Zesty Rancho Antcheros, and we’d all be stuffing our faces with ant eggs.
3. LUTEFISK
From: Norway
What the hell is it?
Ahhh, lutefisk. After the larvae-ridden cheese, it’s a blessed relief to sample a clean, down-to-earth Scandinavian recipe.
A little too clean.
Lutefisk is a traditional Norwegian dish featuring cod that has been steeped for many days in a solution of lye, until its flesh is caustic enough to dissolve silver cutlery.
Wait, it gets worse . . .
For those of you who don’t know, lye (potassium hydroxide/ sodium hydroxide) is a powerful industrial chemical used for cleaning drains, killing plants, debudding cow horns, powering batteries, and by Santiago “the Stewmaker” Meza Lopez, dissolving over three hundred victims of his drug cartel. Contact with lye can cause chemical burns, permanent scarring, blindness, or if you live in Norway, total deliciousness, assuming you’re able to pour it onto a herring without getting any on your face.
Danger of this turning up in America
It’s already here! Shit! Lutefisk is already gaining popularity in America, presumably among the underserved serial killer population looking to make sure they don’t waste an ounce of their latest victim.
2. PACHA
From: Iraq
What the hell is it?
Of all the dishes, this is the one most likely to be mistaken for a threatening message from the mob. It’s a sheep’s head. Boiled.
Wait, it gets worse . . .
Pacha only reveals its terror gradually. Sure, maybe you can get around the fact that you’re eating something with a face. But the more you eat it, the more bone is revealed, until you give a final burp and set your cutlery down beside a grinning ivory skull, its hollow eye sockets staring back at you with a look of grim damnation.
No wonder Iraqis keep blowing themselves up. If every evening meal was a haunting festival of death, wouldn’t you?
Danger of this turning up in America
Tell people that sheep’s head contains some kind of enzyme that boosts your metabolism, and it’ll be everywhere.
1. BALUT
From: the Philippines
What the hell is it?
Our journey of horror reaches its destination. Balut are duck eggs that have been incubated, often until the fetus is all feathery and beaky, and then boiled alive. The bones give the eggs a uniquely crunchy texture.
They are enjoyed in Cambodia, the Philippines, and the fifth and seventh circles of hell. They are typically sold by street vendors at night, out of buckets of warm sand. You can spot the vendors because of their glowing red eyes and the faint, otherworldly sound of children