You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News - Writers of Cracked dot Com [47]
In 1991’s The Last Boy Scout, Bruce Willis punched a henchman so hard he died. Another henchman exclaimed, “God, he punched his nose through his brains!” From that moment on, filmmakers no longer felt the need to explain why their characters die after getting hit in the nose. In reality, the henchman’s buddy might as well have screamed, “God, Bruce Willis hired elves to eat their way into his skull! They’ve made it into a cookie factory!”
The human nose does not contain the brain’s off button. It’s made of soft cartilage. In the history of face punching, people have probably died, but it was not from a nose’s soft tissue traveling through skull bone and lobotomizing its owner. That would be like trying to hammer a crayon through a brick wall. If you finally break through, it ain’t gonna be the crayon that does the trick. That’s why you could get punched all day and you’d still have a better chance of dying from a winning lottery ticket falling out of the sky and slicing your wrist open than from a face-to-brain nose missile.
1. ALMOST ANY KICK YOU’VE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE
Attackers are charging at you from both sides! Before you decide to leap into the air and kick them each at the same time, you should know that’s only going to make you go out looking like a cheerleader. A kick’s power is generated by your hips, and your hips can’t generate any power while they’re spreading in midair, thirsting for a man’s touch.
Most kicks in movies are designed around aesthetics rather than effectiveness. If Jean-Claude Van Damme was trying to break down the front door of your house, he wouldn’t twirl into the air and kick the door. It’s easier and more effective to kick the door in like a regular person, with one foot planted firmly on the ground (also, Van Damme would just come back as Timecop and hand himself the key). The one and only strategic advantage the door has is that it’s connected to something that’s connected to the ground. So are you, until you leap in the air like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and earn every bullet of the Darwinian reckoning about to be visited on you by the drug dealer who just heard you bounce off his front door.
The same goes for real combat. In Ultimate Fighting, all but two kicks have become extinct: the round kick (what it sounds like) and the front kick (what you should have done to the door a few sentences ago). If you are practicing a kick that involves a word like spinning, crescent, flying, or cartwheel, remember it’ll only be useful in a real fight when you want to fall down extravagantly before getting choked.
FIVE AWESOME PLACES TO HAVE SEX (AND THE HORRIFIC CONSEQUENCES)
EVERY month magazines like Cosmo, Playboy, and Boob Fancy write up titillating articles about places you just have to have sex at least once in your life. All of them seem to operate on the principle that having sex while, say, zooming down the Pacific Coast Highway on a motorcycle is well worth the risks involved.
You should at least know the dangers before you get drunk enough to try five of the most popular.
5. SEX ON THE BEACH
Sex on the beach sounds pretty hot. It’s so popular that there’s even a drink named after it. Then again, there’s also a drink named the duck fart. In any event, it’s still a common motif in romantic films and books. What could be more romantic than some briny coitus between two half-naked adults while the waves crash around your suntanned bodies?
Just about anything, it turns out. As anyone who’s ever had sex on the beach probably already knows, if you’re not extremely careful, you’re going to discover what it feels like to exfoliate areas of your body you can’t see without a mirror. And while places that recommend sex on the beach will point out the sand issue with a little wink and a nudge, they rarely mention one important detail about the sand you’re cramming into your unmentionable areas: It’s often loaded with fecal bacteria.
Sand acts as a naturally occurring filth filter, so when a beach is closed due to high bacteria levels in the water, the sand