You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News - Writers of Cracked dot Com [48]
4. IN A POOL
Of course you could always dodge nature’s poo filter by having some good clean sex in a far more sanitary (looking) chlorinated swimming pool. What could be hotter than dipping your naked hide in clear azure water, while a pool noodle bobs obscenely along with your ungainly and hard-to-maintain humping?
It turns out pool sex has the unwholesome side effect of teaching you just how poorly water works as a lubricant while forcing chemically treated liquids deep into easily infected regions. According to research by the University of California, Santa Barbara, if turkey basted into the wrong places, even chlorinated pool water contains enough bacteria to lead to yeast and urinary tract infections.
The aforementioned issue with lubrication leads to something science types call microtears but that you’re going to be more likely to call “tiny, painful rips in my junk.” That’s why having sex in a pool greatly increases the risk of STDs and, more disastrously, pruny zombie wang.
If you’re looking to avoid chlorine with some manner of ocean scuba sex, dive researcher David F. Colvard, MD, would like you to know that having sex underwater can lead to your losing track of important things like buoyancy. You could end up floating to the surface too quickly, giving yourself an embolism. Now, we’re not underwater sex doctors, like Dr. Colvard back there, but an embolism is probably a total willy wilter.
3. IN A CAR
The idea of getting nasty in a car, or road head, as Mom used to call it, is a staple of the not-so-exotic fantasy life of many people. Back in the 1950s, everyone was taking their girl up to make-out point to pump her full of babies on luxurious leather upholstery. As time went on, people apparently decided parked-car sex simply didn’t endanger enough lives and moved on to having sex while driving. Hey, who doesn’t like a little eroticism to break up the monotony of steering a fast-moving chunk of metal and flammable liquids?
How about the innocent bystander, whose last memory is being plowed into by a Subaru full of naked humping yuppie? When a Connecticut woman was charged with causing a car wreck that killed a man, she tried to use the fact that she was mid-blow-job in her defense. While it’s unclear what reaction she was hoping for (“Oh, she had a dick in her mouth, well, happens to the best of us I suppose!”), the argument only helped convince the jury that her mother and father had failed as parents.
Even humping in the back of a taxi carries risks beyond making a cameo on HBO. Unless you’re grotesquely double jointed, it’s pretty hard to wear a seat belt while having sex, and those come in handy when the cabdriver’s attention is being split between the road and the plate-glass divider full of squeaking pink ass directly over his right shoulder.
2. ON AN AIRPLANE
The mile high club is the ultimate fantasy for everyone who’s still stuck in the 1970s and has a limited imagination. If porn is any indication, stewardesses of yore were tall, skanky, and wholly unqualified to do their jobs. Even in the nonporno universe, you’re in an exotic place, high above the earth, and sharing close quarters with nothing to do. Who can blame you for getting a little amorous?
Well, the police for starters: You can be arrested for joining the mile high club. There are also the potential safety risks. Plane sex is the only item on this list that combines the reckless risks of having sex in a car with the potential diseases of having sex in a location that’s teaming