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We reach the door. Lincoln opens it and we step inside. All of the men turn and stare. Lincoln closes the door and he steps in front of us and he speaks.

I’m taking her to her Unit. Go to your Room and wait there. It may be a while.

I nod.

Let’s go.

I look at Lilly and she looks at me. I pull my hand away and I put my arms around her. I whisper in her ear.

I love you. Remember that. I love you.

She holds me until Lincoln puts his hand on her shoulder. She steps away and he waits for her and she turns and they start walking up the stairs and I follow them. Everyone is staring at us. Ken and the men. Staring.

We enter the Hall I hate it fucking hate it they walk in front of me and I watch them. I stop walking when I reach my door, I just stand and I watch them. Lilly is a few feet in front of Lincoln. As she walks, she stares straight ahead. He stares at her back. There are no words. The Hall is silent.

As they near the end of the Hall, Lilly turns around and she looks back at me. All I see are her eyes, deep water blue and defiant, broken and lost, her eyes staring back at me. They are wet with tears. I don’t want to lose them they turn the corner and they’re gone. I stand at my door hoping she’ll come back, hoping this is all a nightmare, hoping for the sake of hoping. I stare down the Hall at the unforgiving white walls. Nothing changes.

I open my door and I step inside my Room. It is quiet and empty, exactly as it was when I left it this morning. I look at my bed and I think about sitting on it. I look at the Bathroom and I think about a shower. I look at the window and the gray light coming through it and I think of climbing out of it. I look at the walls. I would like to destroy them. I can only wait. For my fate to be decided, for Lincoln to come back. I can only wait.

The substance of what has happened sinks in to me. Not gradually, but all at once. I have the broken one of the Cardinal Rules of this Institution. I have broken it with impunity. I have fallen in love with a Girl, a beautiful and profoundly troubled Girl who is alone in the World and who has said she cannot live without me. I don’t want to stay here without her and if I leave, I have nowhere to go. She has nowhere to go. We could go back to her Grandmother, but her Grandmother will be dead soon. We can’t go to my Family, I have burdened them too much. We could run, but there’s nowhere to run. I am wanted, and sooner or later, I’ll get caught. When I am, I’ll be sent away, and it will be for far longer than three years. We are both Addicts. We both need to be here. We’re going to get kicked out. Both of us. Kicked out.

I think back on what has happened. I try to see what I did wrong. I try to rethink what I have done and find a way that would have allowed me to avoid this situation. I could have ignored her the first day. I could have thrown away the note she gave me. I could have not spoken to her or not responded to her. I could have not called her back earlier or not left the Unit or not stayed in the Clearing when I met her. I didn’t do any of these things. If I had, I would not be in trouble, not be facing what I am. I don’t want to accept what has happened. I want to go back. I want to change it. Fuck me. We’re fucked.

I sit on my bed light a cigarette take a drag, a deep drag, as deep as I can take. I stare at the floor. My thoughts slow. I know I can’t change what has happened and I don’t regret it. I did what I did and I would do it again. I love her and love is more important than Rules or Regulations. I have learned more from it than I have from them. I have become better because of it. Fuck the Rules and Regulations.

I take another drag. My thoughts slow more. Two streams run simultaneous to each other. Drink. Lilly. Drugs. Lilly. Get fucked up. Lilly. They are independent of each other and they are intertwined. One is an overwhelming need for self-destruction, an overwhelming need to kill what I feel with chemicals. The other is of Lilly and where she is