A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [163]
I stand up. I sit down. I stand up. I sit down. My mind is telling my hands to go to take action to facilitate leaving here my mind is telling my hands it is time to leave. I sit on them. I sit on my hands. I feel like a complete Asshole, a weak pathetic Fuck. My mind is telling my hands to leave to get something anything to leave to get destroyed. I am sitting on them. I am sitting on my hands. I’m a weak, pathetic, Addicted Fuck.
My heart is telling me stay. To wait. To hold on. To have strength. To sit on my goddamn hands and defy them. Strength comes in defiance. Defy your mind your feelings your addictions. Defy them, you Motherfucker, defy them.
I sit on my bed sit on my hands close my eyes breathe let myself feel everything. I test my will. Can I sit and stay. Can I hold on. Am I strong enough. What the fuck am I doing. When will this end. End soon. Please. Hold the fuck on. End soon.
I sit and time stops disappears moves fast and slow each second more and less than a second. My hands shake beneath me. My eyes are closed and I am breathing slowly. Thoughts and feelings of panic and self-destruction and endurance and self-will run through and through and through.
Sit.
Stay.
Leave
No.
Drink.
Smoke.
Panic.
Panic.
Leave.
Stay.
Fucked.
Fucked.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Caught.
Eight years.
Maximum Security.
Lilly.
Where are you.
Lilly.
Where are you.
Use.
Drugs.
Drink.
Alcohol.
Kill.
Yourself.
Now.
No.
Without time. On my hands. Fighting myself. The thoughts change.
Use.
Fucking.
Drugs.
Drink.
Now.
You.
Motherfucker.
We.
Are.
Stronger.
Than.
You.
Will.
Ever.
Be.
Over and over. Over and over. Time has disappeared. I sit on my hands. I fight myself. Over and over. I fight myself. Over and over.
I start to cry. Not sobs just tears streaming down my face through my closed eyes. Tears from effort and tears from stress and tears from fear this is a fucking nightmare. Worse than a nightmare. Tears from holding on and tears from fighting and tears brought on by the prospect of death and by the prospect of a return to my old life. There are tears of love. Lilly’s love and the love of friends and Family love. There are tears because the Fury and the fear and the addiction want to beat me and I will not let them. They want to beat me and I will not let them.
Time is gone.
I cry.
It’s a fucking nightmare.
Worse.
Please end.
Please end.
Please end.
I hear the door. I open my eyes. It is dark now the gray is gone. The simple sound breaks the cycle. The simple sound of a door. Miles turns on the light sees me sitting there looks surprised.
Are you all right, James?
No.
Is there anything I can do for you?
No.
Have you been here since this afternoon?
Yeah.
Why are you sitting on your hands?
I don’t trust them.
I know that feeling.
Yeah?
I don’t sit on them, though. I squeeze them together.
I smile and I move my hands and I wipe my face and I set my hands on my lap. They are crossed with lines and they are blue from lack of blood. I shake them and they hurt. They tingle. They sting.
They okay?
I look up.
They hurt.
Try warm water.
That works?
Very well.
I nod and I stand. Miles walks to his bed and he sits down on it. I go into the Bathroom turn on the warm water put my hands in it and it burns them. Not because the water is warm but because my hands are cold. It stings them. The tingling feels like a nest of needles trying to escape. I hold them and they slowly warm. Go from blue to gray to white to pink to yellow to beige. I flex my fingers and they flex as they should. The pain goes away. I flex them and they’re fine.
I walk out of the Bathroom. Miles is sitting on the edge of his bed waiting for me.
Are you going to Dinner?
I’m supposed to stay here.
For how long?
I don’t know.
Would you like me to get you something to eat?
Sure.