A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [164]
What would you like?
Whatever’s easy.
Okay.
Thank you.
Anything I can help you with?
You know what time it is?
He looks at his watch.
Six-fifteen.
Thank you.
I walk to my bed. He stands and he walks to the door.
If you’re not here when I get back, I’ll leave whatever I bring you on your nightstand.
Thanks, Miles.
He walks out, closes the door behind him. I lie down on my bed I am cold I start to shake I climb under the covers. I curl into myself and I close my eyes and I bury my face into my chest and into the bed. I fall into a sleep where I am not asleep. A state of heavy consciousness neither aware nor unaware. My body relaxes my body shuts down my body rests. My mind slows, holds images, wishes, mistakes, reality. They are like thick surreal photographs. I look at them in my mind and they sit there. I am sleeping but not I’m not asleep. I am aware and unaware.
The door opens again I open my eyes. I lift my head and I see Lincoln standing under the door frame. There is light behind him he speaks.
Time to get up.
Okay.
Come to my Office when you’re ready.
Okay.
He turns and he leaves and he closes the door as he goes. I get out of bed and I walk to the Bathroom and I turn on the water and I splash some of the water over my face. It runs down my cheeks and over my lips and into my mouth and it tastes good. I lean over and I take a sip. Another another another. Straight from the faucet. It’s good.
I leave my Room and walk through the silent Hall. The Unit is empty, the men at Dinner. I go to the coffee machine and I get a cup and I take a sip and it immediately wakes me.
As I walk down the stairs, I start to get nervous. The coffee burns my stomach and I can feel my blood moving through my veins. My legs are unsteady, and I think about each step. In front of the other. In front of the other.
I cross the Lower Level walk into the short Hall leading to Lincoln’s Office. The Hall is dark, though there is light at the end where his door is open. I think about each step. As I enter his Office, I have to think about each step. He is sitting behind his desk.
Shut the door.
I turn and I shut the door. I turn back and he motions to a chair across from him. I sit and he leans back in his chair and he stares at me. I stare back.
If it were up to me you’d be gone. I don’t like your attitude, and I don’t think you’ve made much of an effort, and I think your continued resistance to what we try to do here, which is help People, has been detrimental to both the Unit and to yourself.
He stares. I stare back.
That being said, you’re being given another chance. If you behave and work hard and follow the Rules, you will be able to stay until your Program runs its course. If you violate any of the Rules, even something as simple as not doing your morning Job or saying anything more than hello to any woman not on our Staff, you will be asked to leave. You think you can do that?
I smile. I’m relieved.
Yes, I can. Thank you.
Don’t thank me, I wanted you out. Thank Joanne. Just like before, she’s the one who saved you.
Thanks anyway.
You can go now.
He looks down at some papers on his desk. I wait. When he looks up, I speak.
Is Lilly staying?
No, she’s not.
My relief disappears.
You kicked her out?
Panic returns.
When we told her she wouldn’t be allowed to see you anymore, she walked out.
You didn’t stop her?
When people want to leave, we let them leave. Our Job is to help people who want to stay and be helped.
What if I told you I knew where she was going?
Doesn’t matter.
I know where she’s going. I could get her and bring her back.
He chuckles, and instantly the panic is gone. The Fury rises.
Why’s that funny?
We discourage relationships because they generally turn out this way. People think they can solve each other’s problems, and it’s just not the case. I hope this will teach you a lesson.
What’s that supposed to mean?
We know what we’re doing here. We have Rules for a reason. Maybe you’ll listen a bit better from now on.
Fuck you.
What did you say?
She’s a Person, not a fucking lesson.
What