Almost Perfect - Brian Katcher [105]
“Are you through, Logan?”
I caught my breath. “Yeah.”
“I don’t want to go to Mizzou because I don’t want you to see me as a man.”
I blinked in confusion. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”
And then it hit me.
“Sage? Jesus Christ, you’re not thinking about … living as a guy, are you?” After all the fighting, the misery, the struggle to become a girl, she wasn’t going to give that all up. She couldn’t.
Sage pulled her knees up to her chin but still wouldn’t look at me. “I can’t do it, Logan. I could live with a father who hates me, and a society that treats me like a damn joke, and a body that’s too tall and too muscular … but when that guy started pounding me, and calling me a fag, and kicking me in the crotch …” She stopped talking for a bit, then continued, almost whispering.
“I realized that I’m never going to be a woman. Even if I have the surgery, I’ll be faking it. I’ll always be a boy to my family, and I’ll live the next sixty years wondering if my secret will get out. I just can’t take it anymore. I tried and I failed, so I’m quitting. I wish we could stay friends, but after what we did together, we couldn’t face each other man to man.”
Had Sage had some kind of breakdown? “You’ve lost your mind!”
“That’s what they tell me.”
“You know what I mean. Sage, you’re not a guy! You’re a chick! Things are bad now, but in a few months …”
She swiveled slowly until we sat face to face. I flinched. I’d never seen anyone look so dejected, so beaten. “It’s always been bad. I smiled for the world, but I’ve been dead on the inside. Ever since I first tried to be a girl, I’ve felt like I was drowning, like I had to swim with all my might just to live, day to day! I have to get out of the water, Logan. I’ll go under for good, otherwise.”
I stood up. This wasn’t right. It had never occurred to me she’d do this. I somehow knew that if I said the wrong thing now, then I’d never see Sage again. “You think you’ll be happy as a man?”
“I’m not happy now.”
“You’ll be miserable as a guy. You’d hate yourself. Is that what you want, to wake up twenty years from now and realize you pissed away your only chance at happiness?”
That struck a nerve. “I think you should leave, Logan.”
I didn’t budge. “Don’t do it, Sage! You’ll regret it. Can you really deny that you’re a girl? Look me in the eye and say you’re a man. Do it!”
“Dr. McGregor!” she called. The therapist must have been waiting right outside, because she burst in, along with a different guard.
“Sir, you need to leave.” His tone left no room for argument.
I didn’t have much time. “Sage, just think about this. Think about what we shared. Tell me that wasn’t wonderful. I fucked it up, but tell me that you didn’t enjoy it!”
Sage buried her face in her lap, sobbing quietly.
“Sir!” snapped the guard, not at all friendly.
“Don’t let a couple of jerks ruin your life.”
The guard grabbed my shoulder, but I pulled away. Big mistake. He had me in a half nelson almost instantly. I was being dragged to the door. Sage didn’t look at me.
“Sage! Just think about it! Please!”
I was through the door. It slammed in my face. The guard let me loose.
I couldn’t bear to stand there and be chastised by Dr. McGregor. I sprinted down the hall. Then, to my humiliation, the door to the lobby wouldn’t open. I had to wait while the guard unlocked it.
Mom looked upset when she saw me bolt through the lobby and out the front door.
“You have to sign out!” the receptionist yelled after me. I jumped into the car. Mom joined me soon after.
“Logan?”
I wanted to tell her I was fine. I wanted to tell her to drive, that it was none of her business, to leave me alone. But I just started crying. I couldn’t stop. Mom held me and stroked my hair, and I bawled harder than I had since elementary school. I cried so hard I felt like I’d puke. I cried until I was exhausted. It was only when I collapsed in a daze against the door that Mom drove off.
chapter thirty-six
BERNAL C. HENDERSCHMITT
1890–1920
Remember